Smile & Laugh 05 (Feb 10 - Jul 10)

[kennynah]

clever indian driver

[millionairemind]

From Cherry..

Honeymoon tale ......

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called up her mother.
"Well," said her mother,"so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home..., "PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what make you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama..., he used words like:
dust, wash, iron, and cook..."

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

[financecaptain]

Investments Terms

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Hahaha, well, I'm a little short this month.").

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

[helios]

YO FinanceCap,

You are back in action!

Where have you been?

[tonylim]

Sin no more

Painting the Church

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey Macgregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually a Catholic Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..


"Repaint! Repaint!

And thin no more!"

[kennynah]

hahahahaha.....tony....good one man....

[tonylim]

The 11th Husband...

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband#1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was suppose to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?


"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"


This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screeeewed..!

[kennynah]

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screeeewed..!

[tonylim]

Parting joke before my trip to Europe tonight. Will miss this forum for the next 2 weeks.
All the best to our friendly forumers in INVESTIDEAS. Cheers.


Bottle of Merlot


A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back'

[kennynah]

tony...have a safe and enjoyable trip "see you" when you return...

thanks for sharing these hilarious jokes