Smile & Laugh 05 (Feb 10 - Jul 10)

[winston]

White Hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

[winston]

Class Photograph

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

[winston]

Blood Circulation


A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

[winston]

Apples and Cookies

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

[tonylim]

AN IRISH GHOST
STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and
even though it sounds like
An Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's
true.


John Bradford, a Dublin
University
student, was on the side of the road
Hitchhiking on a very dark
night and in the midst of a big storm. The
Night was rolling on
and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could
Hardly see a
few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly
coming
Towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for
shelter and without thinking about it, got into the
Car and
closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody behind
the
Wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving
slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a
Curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his
life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand
appeared out of nowhere
Through the window, and turned the wheel.
John, paralyzed with terror,
Watched as the hand came through the
window, but never touched or harmed
Him.

Shortly
thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so,
Gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to
it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started
telling everybody
About the horrible experience he had just
had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he
was crying... And
Wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and
two other people walked in from the dark
And stormy night. They,
like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around,
and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
The
other.....


'Look Paddy.....
there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while
We were
pushing
it!!!!'

[millionairemind]

Divorce
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

[millionairemind]

Funeral For A Friend
Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor said, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it Tim?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied, "That's because he's still inside your stupid cat."

[millionairemind]

What is common between...
What do Viagra And DisneyLand have in common?

They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!

[tonylim]

MM,
Good one.

[tonylim]

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.


"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.


"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

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