Smile & Laugh 05 (Feb 10 - Jul 10)

[millionairemind]

cif5000: Hey Winston, I notice the advertisement on Viagra and Cialis each time I visit InvestIdeas.

Winston: Ah...you got to delete your browser's history!

[millionairemind]

Ancient Bible

A little boy found a bible so old it was covered in 12 inches of dust. The little boy scooped away the dust and then slowly opened the ancient bible.

As he opened the bible he noticed a leaf. He quickly ran to his mom and said, "Look what I found mom!"

The mom asked, "What is it"?

"I think it's Adams underwear", replied the boy.

[millionairemind]

Careful What We Ask For
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs... pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'

[millionairemind]

Priest and the Nun

A priest and a nun are golfing, and the priest is up.

He swings misses and exclaims "oh my God I missed!"

The nun gives him a dirty look, but he swings again, misses and exclaims "oh my God I missed!"

The nun stares at him and says, "If you say that one more time, God will open up the heavens and strike you with a lightning bolt!"

So, the priest swings again and exclaims "oh my God I ........Missed!"

Suddenly a lightning bolt shoots out of the sky and strikes the nun. All that is heard in the sky is, "Oh my God I missed"

[millionairemind]

Where is God

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?”

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The youngest brother gasped for breath and replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time dude. God is missing and they think WE did it!"

[millionairemind]

From Cherry

Love is a Many-Splendered Thing

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "Oh no, he didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry....

How soon can I go home?"

[kennynah]

I see investideas has become a master distributor of Viagra:) so, when the sex toys distributiorship going to be awarded? Hahaha

[kennynah]

in an email ... a job applicant wrote :

Dear Sir/Madam

I am looking for suitable job in Sales, Marketing, Media or Communication. I shall grateful if you kindle look into it. Expecting a positive response from you.


no prize for guessing :

a) which nationality's style of writing this belongs to
b) if this applicant will receive the "expected" response

[iam802]

in an email ... a job applicant wrote :

Dear Sir/Madam

I am looking for suitable job in Sales, Marketing, Media or Communication. I shall grateful if you kindle look into it. Expecting a positive response from you.


no prize for guessing :

a) which nationality's style of writing this belongs to
b) if this applicant will receive the "expected" response

Applicant do not know what he or she wants.

I think there are times, knowing what a person wants is the most challenging thing.

[millionairemind]

Blond Cop

So a blond was speeding down the highway. All of a sudden she gets pulled over (obviously because she was speeding.)

The cop who pulled her over was also a blond (uh-oh)... The cop says "Ma'am i need to see your drivers license ID."

The driver was confused, being blond and all.

So, the cop decides to remind her what an ID is. "Ma'am its a rectangular thing with your picture on it"

The blond still has no idea, but looks for it anyways. So funny them blonds. She pulls out a rectangular mirror and hands it to the cop.

The blonde cop says to the blond driver, "Oh, sorry ma'am if I had known YOU were a cop too, I wouldn't have pulled you over."