Smile & Laugh 05 (Feb 10 - Jul 10)

[Aspellian]

Who's been eating my porridge?

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to
go through this?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everythingaway.
It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
It was Mummy Bear who set the table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish.

And now that you've decided to come down stairs and grace me with your presence.... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time...I haven't made the !@#$% porridge yet!!"

[iam802]

Things politicians do...to pump up their popularity.

[millionairemind]

haha.. good one 802

The Brothel Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little?,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

'Hi Keith'

[millionairemind]

MY LIVING WILL

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state,
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine!!!!

The little brats .......

[Aspellian]

Reason Why Never Visit A 5 Star Hotel
Waiter : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"

Customer: "tea please"

Waiter : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"

Customer : "Ceylon tea "

Waiter : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"

Customer: "white"

Waiter: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"

Customer: "With milk "

Waiter: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"

Customer: "With cow milk please.

Waiter: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"

Customer: " Um, I'll take it black. "

Waiter: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

Customer: "With sugar"

Waiter: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"

Customer: "Cane sugar "

Waiter: "White , brown or yellow sugar ?"

Customer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Waiter: "Mineral water or still water ? "

Customer: "Mineral water"

Waiter: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"

Customer: "I'll rather die of thirst

[Aspellian]

If you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say "don't understand"

1. If you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand".How do I understand that you understand? Understand!

2. I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.

3. Sounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds.

4. A sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.

5. Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People, Purple Paper People

6. If two witches were watching two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

7. I thought a thought.But the thought I thought wasn't the thought I thought I thought. If the thought I thought I thought had been the thought I thought, I wouldn't have thought so much.

8. Once a fellow met a fellow In a field of beans. Said a fellow to a fellow, "If a fellow asks a fellow, Can a fellow tell a fellow What a fellow means?"

9. Mr Inside went over to see Mr Outside. Mr Inside stood outside and called to MrOutside inside. Mr Outside answered Mr Inside from inside and Told Mr Inside to come inside. Mr Inside said "NO", and told Mr Outside to come outside. MrOutside and Mr Inside argued from inside and outside about going outside or coming inside. Finally, Mr Outside coaxed Mr Inside to come inside, then both Mr Outside and Mr Inside went outside to the riverside.

10. SHE SELLS SEA SHELLS ON THE SEA SHORE , BUT THE SEA SHELLS THAT SHE SELLS, ON THE SEA SHORE ARE NOT THE REAL ONES

11. The owner of the inside inn was inside his inside inn with his inside outside his inside inn.

12. If one doctor doctors another doctor does the doctor who doctors the doctor doctor the doctor the way the doctor he is doctoring doctors? Or does the doctor doctor the way the doctor who doctors doctors?

"When a doctor falls ill another doctor doctor's the doctor. Does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctor the doctor in his own way or does the doctor doctoring the doctor doctors the doctor in the doctor's way"

13. We surely shall see the sun shine shortly. Whether the weather be fine, Or whether the weather be not, Whether the weather be cold Or whether the weather be hot, We'll weather the weather Whatever the weather, Whether we like it or not. watch? Whether the weather is hot. Whether the weather is cold. Whether the weather is either or not. It is whether we like it or not.

14. Nine nice night nurses nursing nicely.

15. A flea and a fly in a flue Said the fly "Oh what should we do" Said the flea" Let us fly Said the fly"Let us flee" So they flew through a flaw in the flue

16. If you tell Tom to tell a tongue-twister his tongue will be twisted as tongue-twister twists tongues.

17. Mr. See owned a saw.And Mr. Soar owned a seesaw. Now See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw Before Soar saw See, Which made Soar sore.Had Soar seen See's saw Before See sawed Soar's seesaw, See's saw would not have sawed Soar's seesaw. So See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw.But it was sad to see Soar so sore Just because See's saw sawed Soar's seesaw

[millionairemind]

Osma Bin Laden

Osama bin Laden and one of his followers were riding on a camel
when they stopped at a small town. Bin Laden gets off the camel
and lifts up its tail and looks at the camel's butt, just then a
guy comes over and says, "What are you doing?"

Osama replies, "About 2 miles back I heard someone say, 'Hey,
look at the two ass**** on that camel."

[millionairemind]

FOB kid

The kindergarten class had to come up with a sentence using the colors green, pink, and yellow. So the teacher calls up every single kid in the classroom. But she forgot to call on the Samoan kid. So she asks him to please step up to the front of the class and recite his sentence. So the Samoan boy went up to the front of the class and said, "The phone went green green green. I pink up the phone and say yellow"!

[millionairemind]

Clinton, Gandhi, Mahathir

One day, God sent three politicians, Clinton, Ghandi and Mahatir to Heaven by mistake. So he told them, 'I've sent the three of you here too early. You aren't suppose to die yet. Therefore, I'm going to send you back down and before that, you can ask me a question that you want to know about.'

So, Clinton asked 'When is America going to become big and busy and rich?'

God answered, 'Another 50 years.'

Clinton wept and threw a tantrum.

God asked him his reason for his behavior and Clinton said, 'I'm afraid I don't have that long a life to see that.'

Next, Ghandi asked, 'When is India going to be big and busy and rich?'

God answered, 'Another 100 years.' Ghandi reacted as Clinton did and gave the same reason for acting that way.

Lastly, Mahatir asked, 'When is Malaysia going to be big and busy and rich?'

This time, God wept.

[millionairemind]

Wall of clocks

Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."