Smile & Laugh 05 (Feb 10 - Jul 10)

[millionairemind]

The essential difference

One day the zoo-keeper noticed that “Cheech” the orang-utang was reading two books — the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species.In surprise he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books”?”Well,” said the orang-utang, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’skeeper or my keeper’s brother.”

[millionairemind]

Like Women?

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, “Give me six double vodkas.”
The barman says “Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yes, I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.

When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too!”

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?”

“Yeah, my wife…”

[millionairemind]

Skydiving blind

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

[Aspellian]

Mature Lady Driver
A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

[Aspellian]

MEN VS WOMEN
What is the difference between men and women?

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

2. Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night....

3. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

4. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

5. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman- before and after marriage.

6. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

7. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

8. Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. Women look at a wedding as the beginning of romance, while men look at a wedding as the ending of romance.

[millionairemind]

[LenaHuat]

Hi MM
This is really good

After hearing from WarrenBuffett and Paulson abt George Bush, I find this CBSNews bite hilarious:
Miss Me Yet?

[kennynah]

both MM and L ...


wahahahahaha......

the one on bush is ridiculously hilarious....ROFLOL

[millionairemind]

[Aspellian]

Today 's Joke - Tom
1) Tom was doing an experiment on a cockroach, and he thought this will get him some sort of recognition. First, He cut off one of the cockroach's legs. Then he put it on the floor, and shouted "WALK!". The cockroach walked like normal. Then he cut off the second leg, and shouted at it again; "WALK!". Indeed, the cockroach walked like before. Feeling a bit frustrated but committed, he cut off the third leg and shouted at it again. It still walked. Losing all hope, he cut off the fourth leg and when he shouted at it to walk, the cockroach just stayed still, unable to walk.

Then Tom yelled at the top of his lungs "I GOT IT!! I DISCOVERED IT!! When I cut off all the cockroaches' legs, IT GOES DEAF!"

2) Tom was at this restaurant and he went to wash his hands. After a few minutes, he started to scrubbing and washing the sink. The restaurant manager walked by, and was puzzled at Tom's actions. He asked, "Sir, why are you washing the sink?"

Tom just pointed to the sign above the sink, which stated - "WASH BASIN"

3) Tom visited the psychiatrist for a checkup. The psychiatrist said "Tom, imagine that you are at the 20th floor of a building. Suddenly the building caught on fire from below. Now, what would you do?"

Tom replied calmly, "Well Doc, I would just stop imagining now"

4) Tom was with his wife at the back seat of a cab. After a while, Tom noticed that the cab driver was staring at his wife through the rear view mirror, licking his lips and all. Noticing this, Tom felt uneasy and pissed off.

Tom yelled at the cab driver, "HEY YOU! I know what you're doing you jerk! Now you stop this car, let me drive the cab while you go and sit behind there with my wife!!"