Smile & Laugh 05 (Feb 10 - Jul 10)

[millionairemind]

Walking On Water

Three monks decided to practice meditation together. They sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, “I forgot my mat.” He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, “I forgot to put my the other underwear to dry.” He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. “Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform,” he declared loudly and rushed to the water’s edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, “Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?

[Aspellian]

007 Mom

Karl invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother eyed his beautiful roommate, suspicious that there was more than just a "roommate" situation going on.
Karl saw her staring at Ellen. "I know what you're thinking, mom, but Ellen and I are just friends."

A week later, Ellen said, "Karl, ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the silver soup ladle. Surely she wouldn't have taken it, would she?"

"I really don't think so," Karl replied. "I'll write her a letter to ask, though."
He got a sheet of paper, sat down, and wrote, "Dear Mom, I'm not saying you took our silver soup ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't take it. But our soup ladle has been missing ever since you came to dinner."

A few days later, he received a reply from his mother.
"Dear son, I'm not saying that you're sleeping with Ellen, and I'm not saying that you're not sleeping with Ellen. But if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the soup ladle by now.
Love, Mom."

[Aspellian]

#1

Wife : You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife : You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, " What other problem can therebe greater than this one?"

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#2

Girl : When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy : It's very kind of you, darling. But I dont have any worries or troubles.
Girl : Well, that because we arent married yet.

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#3

Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom : Well, you hav done the right thing.
Son : But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

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#4

Wife : What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?
Husband : Golfing with friends, my dear.
Wife : What? At 2 am?!!
Husband : Yes, we used night clubs.

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#5

Anewly married man asked his wife," Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?".
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly;" I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"

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#6

Father to son after exam : " Let me see your report card"
Son : " My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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#7

" How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the rommate answered. " He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce."
" Wow! Thats very expensive car. What's so bad about that?".
" He is the original owner."

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#8

A teacher asked her class for sentences using word " beans"
" My father grow beans, " said one student.
" My father cook beans, "said another.
Then little Johnny spoke up " We are all human beans "

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#9

Interviewer t Millionaire : To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire : I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer : Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?
Millionaire : A Billionaire...

[iam802]

MadTV - iPad

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsjU0K8QPhs

Notice how they have the blond in it

[millionairemind]

The engineer`s terms

Top 25 Engineer`s Terms and Expressions (What they say versus what they mean)

A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)

Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach. (We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK; but looks very hi-tech!)

Customer satisfaction is believed assured. (We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

It is in process. (It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

Please note and initial. (Let`s spread the responsibility for this.)

Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We`ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn`t interfere with what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

Give us your interpretation. (We can`t wait to hear your bull.)

See me or let`s discuss. (Come to my office, I`ve messed up again.)

All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

Rugged. (Don`t plan to lift it without major equipment.)

Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

Years of development. (One finally worked)

Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

Fax me the data. (I`m too lazy to write it down.)

We are following the standard! (That`s the way we have always done it!)

I didn`t get your e-mail. (I haven`t checked my e-mail for days.)

[millionairemind]

Try to explain women

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

[millionairemind]

Which Type Of Woman Is Yours?

HARD-DISK Woman:She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Woman:She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Woman:Everyone knows that she can`t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
EXCEL Woman:They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use for your four basic needs.
SCREENSAVER Woman:She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Woman:Difficult to access.
SERVER Woman:Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Woman:She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Woman:She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Woman:Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

[millionairemind]

Trophy girlfriend

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone`s socks off with her youthful looks and charm.

She hangs onto Bob`s arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She`s my wife!"

They`re amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

[kennynah]

no kidding...i previously worked for an american firm ... the owner of the company was an elderly man...perhaps about 65 at that time... the HQ was in Florida... once i had to visit for a Kickoff Meeting...

there, i met his girlfriend alongside him... all of 22 years old... next to them, the girl's mother, hired as the marketing manager....

where i was put up, was along a rather posh stretch of restaurants and bars... one evening, i waited for a take out at one of burger joints... i saw a pretty young blonde who walked right into the manager's office asking for a waiting job....

there are aplenty of young women who will provide companion services for a chunk of money....

[millionairemind]

haha.. K. This group of women is also known as The Gold Diggers

Time for simple things in life....back to the basics!

Poems written by WIFE and HUSBAND

WIFE:
I wrote your name on sand, it got washed,
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away,
Then I wrote your name on my heart,
And I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND:
God saw me hungry, he created pizza,
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi,
He saw me in dark, he created light,
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE:
Twinkle twinkle little star,
You should know what you are,
And once you know what you are,
Mental hospital is not so far.

HUSBAND:
The rain makes all things beautiful,
The grass and flowers too,
If rain makes all things beautiful,
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE:
Roses are red; Violets are blue,
Monkeys like you should be kept in zoo,
Don't feel so angry, you will find me there too,
Not in a cage but laughing at you.