Smile & Laugh 03 (Apr 09 - Oct 09)

[millionairemind]

New inventions by blondes.

The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat

[millionairemind]

Funny Classifieds

The following were actually taken from recent classified ads in newspapers...

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 COCKER SPANIEL - 1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.

1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer

AMANA WASHER $100. OWNED BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.

SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.

FREE PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART STUPID DOG

2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15

TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800

COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK -- $2000

STAR WARS JOB OF THE HUT - $15

SOFT & GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE 89 cents

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.

FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.

FREE 1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS WITH PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.

FOR SALE: LEE MAJORS (6 MILLION DOLLAR MAN) - $50

NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED *************CALL CHUBBIE

BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING "WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"

SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT..BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE REWARD.

HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"

GET A LITTLE JOHN: THE TRAVELING URINAL HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.

HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB

GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.

NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE SLIGHTLY STAINED

FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.

AMERICAN FLAG 60 STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100

TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.

EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.

OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB AND IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

[millionairemind]

Mother’s Day versus Father’s Day

A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong.

“Nothing,” said the woman.

Not buying it, he asked again. “Seriously, what’s wrong?”

“Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, They don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you’.”

“Well don’t feel bad.” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father’s Day gift.”

Blond Handywoman

A blond, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
herself out as a “handywoman” and started canvassing the
neighborhoods. She went to the front door of the first house
and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he
said. “How much will you charge me?”

The blond quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything
she would need was in the garage. The man’s wife, hearing
the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize
that our porch goes all the way around the house?”

He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to
believe all those dumb blond jokes we’ve been getting by
e-mail lately.”

A short time later, the blond handywoman came to the door to
collect her money.

“You finished already?” the husband asked.

“Yes,” the blond replied, “and I had paint left over, so I
gave it two coats – no extra charge.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and
handed it to her.

“And by the way,” the blond added, “it’s not a Porch — it’s
a Lexus.”

[millionairemind]

WARNING: Puns Ahead!

Love 'em or hate 'em, it's Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be preapared for GROANS... then you'll see why they are called so... enjoy and pass 'em on!

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

[millionairemind]

Collection of Stock Market Jokes after the Crash

1) Submitted by several, first Greg Woods

Q: What's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?

A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

2) Submitted by several, first Kyle Adler

These two women were walking through the forest when they hear this voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog:

"Help me, ladies! I am an investment banker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

The first woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than an investment banker!"

3) From Patricia Giencke--and the New York Times
Merrill Lynch has adjusted its investment portfolio: 50% cash and 50% canned goods.

Bumper sticker on Wall Street: My other Porsche is for sale.

How many investment bankers can you fit in the back of a pickup truck? Only 2 - you have to leave room for the lawn mowers!

I have an uncle down at Wall Street. He used to have a corner on the market. Now he has a market on the corner.

"Get my broker, Miss Jones."

"Yes sir. Stock, or Pawn?"

4) Some very, very old jokes used in just about all bad times, now applied to the market:
Q: In these busy market times, how can you get the attention of your broker?

A: Say, "Hey, waiter!"

---------

How do you get a broker down from a tree?

Cut the rope.

5) The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

[winston]

Story by Edward de Bono:-

Once upon a time a man painted half his car white and the other half black.

His friends asked him why he did such a strange thing.

He replied: "Because it is such fun, whenever I have an accident, to hear the witnesses in court contradict each other."

[kennynah]

temperature just dropped a few degrees..... wahahaha:mrgreen:

[millionairemind]

Golf and Public Restrooms

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

[kennynah]

Ryan Seacrest to Steve Martin : "who do you think will win the American Idol", after Steve did a banjo performance at the American Idol Results Night...

Steve : "well, it's a long shot, but i am hoping i do"

wahahahahaha.... sibei number 1 lah...my favourite comedian...with taste

[millionairemind]

Nightgown

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"