Smile & Laugh 08 (Mar 12 - Sep 12)

[winston]

Marriage

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive, now found himself missing her desperately.

He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance.

A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?". "Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?". "Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?". "Yes, my husband."

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!". "I'm not in Heaven, dear."

[iam802]

[winston]

Patch

Bubba and Billy were driving down the road while drinking beer when they spotted a roadblock ahead.

"We're gonna get busted," whimpered Billy.

"Don't worry," said Bubba.

"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and then toss the bottles under the seat. Just let me do the talking."

They downed the beer, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the police officer asked, "You boys been drinking?".

"No, sir," said Bubba, pointing at the labels. "Me and Billy are on the patch."

[winston]

Low Bridge

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway.

A sign comes up that reads Low Bridge Ahead.

Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up.

The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, Got stuck, huh?

The truck driver says, No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.

[winston]

Man VS Woman

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

[winston]

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None. That's a hardware issue.

[winston]

Name of the City

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in.

One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville."

They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant.

The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly."

The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

[winston]

Drunk

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub.

The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home.

The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away.

He tried to stand up again but only fell over again.

He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again.

In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home.

When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again.

He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep.

When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night.

He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

[winston]

Men vs Women

After drinking, Men talk unnecessarily, Become emotional, Drive badly, Stop thinking, Fight for nothing

Women can do all these without drinking!

[winston]

Water in the carburetor

Wife: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.

Husband: Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous.

Wife: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.

Husband: You don't even know what a carburetor is. Where's the car?

Wife: In the swimming pool.