Smile & Laugh 08 (Mar 12 - Sep 12)

[winston]

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said.

"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

[winston]

$100

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her.

Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.

The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

[winston]

What do you like to hear ?

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greates doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

[winston]

Ford Granada

This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do." "I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's right here!" "Uh-huh."

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU have a double bed in back there?" And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here — see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Granada takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.

The man in the Granada finally opens the window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?" "Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out — I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"

[winston]

Babies

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies.

The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins."
The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins."

After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers."

Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons."

All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall.

They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

[winston]

Flat Tire

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.

After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down.

Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

[winston]

Frog Sound

One day a boy asked his grandpa "grandpa make a frog sound"

The grandfather asked why?

The boy said, "Grandma says when you croak, we are going to Hawaii

[winston]

Helicopter

A helicopter carrying passengers, suddenly looses engine power and the aircraft begins to decent.

The pilot safely performs an emergency landing in water, and tells the passengers to remain seated and to keep the doors closed, stating that in emergency situations, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat for 30 minutes, giving rescuers time to get to them.

Just then a man gets out if his seat and runs over to open the door.

The pilots screams at him, "Didn't you hear what I said, the aircraft is designed to stay afloat as long as the doors remain closed?!".

"Of course I heard you", the man replied, "but it's also designed to fly, and look how good that one worked out!!"

[winston]

Bait

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...

[winston]

Empty

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt.

Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch.

He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."