Smile & Laugh 08 (Mar 12 - Sep 12)

[winston]

Ground Controller

While taxiing at London Gatwick, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going!

I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between 'C' and 'D', but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

[winston]

Doctor

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"

"Nine..."

[winston]

Girl: You remind me of the sea.

Boy: Why? Because I'm so wild and romantic?

Girl: No. You make me sick.

[winston]

Notice to Employees (Includes Part Time Workers)


SICKNESS

We will no longer accept your doctors' statements as proof. We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.


LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY

We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.


PREGNANCY

In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour's leave without pay.


DEATH

This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.



This new benefit program started yesterday.

The Management

[winston]

Boss

The boss was concerned that his employees weren't giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion:

He brought in a sign that said I'm the Boss and taped it to his door.

After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. Your wife called. She wants her sign back!

[winston]

Vanishing Cream

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

[winston]

"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?

Huge hands, sir.

[winston]

A young man studying in a college abroad sent this SMS to his father: Dear dad, no mon, no fun, your son.

The father replied: Dear son, too bad, so sad, your dad.

[winston]

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, I ain't had no fun all summer.

Now Paul, she said. What shall I do to correct this?

Get a boy friend, Paul replied.

[winston]

Little Johnny was at football practice one day and the coach said

"Who here thinks they can jump higher than the goal posts"

Immediately little Johnny said, "Ooh me sir me"

The coach then said, "But Johnny you are the worst in the team!"

Then Johnny said, "I know, but goalposts can't jump!"