Smile & Laugh 03 (Apr 09 - Oct 09)

[millionairemind]

THE SUNBURNT MEMBER

A young man finally got a date with the blonde female that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude.

Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof and managed to get sunburn on his "tool of the trade". But, he was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his member immersed in a glass of milk.

Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, "So that's how you guys load those things!"

[millionairemind]

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:
Show up naked with food.

[Aspellian]

One Chinese and one English man who do not understand each of their language very well, they agree to go to the restaurant and order some foods.

Every time the Chinese man lifts up his glass, he starts to tell the English man " Gan Bei" (Cheers). The English man is confused what is that for, but he continues his eating. That thing happens a few times, every time the Chinese man wants to drink he always says "Gan Bei" The English man only nods and then drink and eating again. Not so long the Chinese man says it again, "Gan Bei" while he is lifting up his glass.

This time the English man put his cutleries and angry to the Chinese man and says
" It's all right if u CAN'T PAY!" I will pay !, so shut up".

[millionairemind]

Marriage Lessons
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."

[millionairemind]

Angry Truck Driver
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she cut off a truck driver.

He motioned for her to pull over. When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.

He drew a circle on the road and told the blonde to stand in the circle and not move.

He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.

When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, "Oh, you think that's funny? Watch this."

He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.

When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is getting really mad.

He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.

Now she's laughing.

The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.

He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.

"What's so funny?" The truck driver asked the blonde.

She replied, "When you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle 4 times."

[Aspellian]

Indian goes to an Australian grocery store

An Indian goes to Australia and goes to Woolworths (a grocery store in Australia). He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out.

The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks the Indian to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. The Indian goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week the Indian finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks the Indian to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food.

The Sardar goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

Next week the Indian comes to Woolworths with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag.

The Manager puts his hand in the bag, feels some thing slimy and immediately takes it out. He shouts at the Indian, What the F*** is this? Is this shit you idiot?

The Indian calmly replies, Yes, and I want to buy toilet paper.

[Aspellian]

Scottish Humour

The train was quite crowded, so a U. S. Marine walked the entire lengthlooking for a seat, but the only seat left
was taken by a well dressed,middle-aged, French woman's poodle.The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?

'The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.

'The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left wasunder that dog.'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the littledog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! Put this Americanin his place!'

A Scottish gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seemto have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in thewrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. Andnow, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.'

[Cherry]

Depressed75, Millionairemind, Winston & Aspellian

Your jokes, very bagus

[Cherry]

Encircle the Cat

See whether you are smarter than the cat.

Click on the circle so as to surround the cat from going out of the square.

http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html

[Aspellian]

太有才了！
> å“­
> 何故
> 悲难住
> 阴跌如瀑
> 股票全套住
> 可怜我那账户
> 如今已目不忍睹
> 五个零变成四位数
> 遥想当年入股市之初
> 一心以为一夜就能暴富
> 幻想明日买车后天住别墅
> 不用上班还能娶个漂亮媳妇
> 谁曾料到这里竟比地狱还残酷
> 今日追涨明日杀跌始终全仓杀入
> 到头来我割肉割得是只剩下皮包骨
> 每天都在山顶站岗放哨泪水伴着孤独
> 眼巴巴地盼着能有解放军前来把我救出
> 说实话我是个好人忠厚老实从不吃喝嫖赌
> 听党的话响应国家号召坚持少生孩子多种树
> 可是为什么老天爷偏偏要惩罚像我这样的散户
> 求求各位主力机构公募私募发发慈悲给我条出路