Smile & Laugh 03 (Apr 09 - Oct 09)

[millionairemind]

hahahaha...

[millionairemind]

This one's from Lumpar.com.. (this website actually exists!! can't believe it)

Can Die

There was this case in a hospital's intensive care ward where patients always died in the same bed and always on Friday mornings, regardless of their medical conditions.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had to do with the supernatural. So the doctors decided to go down to that particular ward to investigate the cause. Come Friday morning, everyone at the hospital ward nervously waited for the terrible phenomenon to occur again. Some held wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil....

As the time approached, their hearts began beating anxiously, and with every beat of the clock, everyone held their breath........

.... Then Ah Soh, the part-time Friday cleaner, came into the room and unplugged the life support system so that she could use the vacuum cleaner.

Starting Young

One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.

However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn't differentiate between them.

However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, "Heil Hitler!"

At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, "Clean that up!"

Drive You Mad

One day, Mr. Choe Seng Lee walked into a bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Batam on Business for two days and needed to borrow $5000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for the loan.

Mr. Choe then handed over the keys to his Mercedes that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee then drove the Mercedes into the bank's carpark and parked it there. Two days later Mr. Choe returned and repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $13.07.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely. But we are a bit puzzled. While you were away, we checked and found that you are a very rich contractor. Why would you need to borrow $5,000?"

Mr. Choe replied, "Aiyah, where else in Singapore can I park my car for 2 days for 13 dollars and with security officers to guard somemore?"

Democratic Blasphemy (contributed by Edwin)

Why is it that Adam and Eve could not have been Chinese?
Because if Satan took the form of a snake and tempted them to eat the forbidden fruit, Eve would have said, "Quick, Adam! Catch the snake also! Snake also can eat, mah!"

Why is it that Adam and Eve could not have been Malay?
Because if Satan took the form of a snake and tempted them to eat the forbidden fruit, both Adam and Eve would have said to him, "Relac lah! Tomorrow also can eat!"

Why is that Adam and Eve could not have been Indian?
Because they would have conned the snake into eating the apple.

[millionairemind]

Ah Beng in the Lift

Once, Ah Beng, Ah Lian and Ah Huay went for dinner at the Compass Rose, at the top of the Westin Stamford. After dinner, they went to the lift, scanned the buttons and couldn't find the button for the first floor.

Ah Huay suggested taking the stairs but Ah Lian decided to press the lift button "G". They found themselves on the first ground floor and Ah Beng remarked, "Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this was ground floor?"

Ah Lian replied, "Aiyah so simple yo u also dunno ! 'G', mah .. "G" stand for gero loh!!"

[Aspellian]

In Singapore , the majority of us live in Highly Dangerous Buildings(HDB), And most people have already got used to Paying and Paying(PAP).

Not only do you have to pay, you Pay Until Bankrupt(PUB).

If that's not enough, somebody still Purposely Wants to Dig(PWD)and get more from you.

So what more can you do when you are in the Money Only Environment(MOE)?

With the current Mad Accounting System(MAS), you are forced to Pay the Sum Ahead(PSA),Which will leave some people Permanently Owing Some Banks( POSB).

And forced to live on the Loan Techniques Always(LTA) system.When you fall sick and happen to be admitted to a Money Operating Hospital(MOH),

You might be able to use your Cash Prior to Funeral(CPF)fund.

If you are out of ! luck, you may meet doctors who Never Use Heart(NUH)to treat you,燼nd you will be Sure to Give up Hope(SGH).

To help ease the traffic, motorists have to pay Cash On Expressway(COE).

If that doesn't help, they can always Eternally Raise Prices(ERP)on the roads.

If you don't own a car, you can always make a Mad Rush to the Train(MRT ),OR get squashed in a bus Side By Side (SBS).

Lastly, under all these pressures, there are not many places we can relax, not even the good old place we used to go because it has become So Expensive and Nothing To See Actually(SENTOSA)!!!

[Aspellian]

Ah Beng in the Lift

Once, Ah Beng, Ah Lian and Ah Huay went for dinner at the Compass Rose, at the top of the Westin Stamford. After dinner, they went to the lift, scanned the buttons and couldn't find the button for the first floor.

Ah Huay suggested taking the stairs but Ah Lian decided to press the lift button "G". They found themselves on the first ground floor and Ah Beng remarked, "Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this was ground floor?"

Ah Lian replied, "Aiyah so simple yo u also dunno ! 'G', mah .. "G" stand for gero loh!!"

so ah lians and ah Huays are spore's versions of Blondes!

[kennynah]

ah lians/huays are not exactly synonymous to ah blondes.... blondes are said to be less bright.... ah lians/huays are just not engerish competent...but can be very street smart...

this picture will help you define an ah lian

[Depressed75]

There's an Indian, Pakistani and a beautiful girl sitting next to each other, girl in the middle, in a train. The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Pakistani are sitting there looking perplexed. The Indian is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Indian is thinking "Damn it, that Pakistani must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The girl is thinking, "That Indian must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Pakistani instead and got slapped."

The Pakistani is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Indian again."

[Depressed75]

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory.
She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.






The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''

[Depressed75]

Miss Universe Interview

Question: Ms America, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms America: Well, I can say that male organs in America are like gentlemen.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms America: Because it stands every time it sees a woman..........................
(Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Philippines, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Philippines: Well, I can say that male organs in our country are like gossip or rumors.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Philippines: Because it passes from mouth to mouth......
(Applause! Applause! Standing Ovation! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Malaysia, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Malaysia: Well, I can say that Male Organs in Malaysia are like Proton car.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Malaysia: Look tough but actually very soft............................
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! )

Question: Ms Singapore,how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Singapore: Well, I can say that male organ in Singapore is very Kiasu (Afraid to lose).
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Singapore: It always wants to rush in quick and leave 15 minutes before the show is over
(Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Iran, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Iran: Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Iran: Because they like to enter through the back door.....
(Applause! Applause! Laughter! Laughter! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms India, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms India: Well, I can say the male organs in India are like labourers.
Question: How can you say so?
Ms India: Because it works day and night......
(Applause! Applause! Applause!)

Question: Ms Spain, how do you describe a male organ in your country?
Ms Spain: Male organs in our country are like our very own Bullfight or Toro (Bull)
Question: How can you say so?
Ms Spain: Because it charges every time it sees an opening....
(Applause! Applause!)rage

Posts: 23
Joined: February 22nd, 2009, 9:57 pm
Private message

[Depressed75]

One day, a woman was talking to her friend about her upcoming marriage.
She says, " I don’t know what to do! My fiance is a virgin and he thinks that I’m one too! Of course, I’m not, but this may be a deal breaker with him. What should I do?"

Her friend thinks for a minute and says, "Well ya know, if he is a virgin, then he should be easy to fool. All you have to do is wrap an elastic band around your thigh, and snap it when he starts making love to you. If he asks what the sound was, just tell him it’s proof you’re a virgin, that he just popped your cherry!"

The woman laughs and says, "Great,thanks. I’ll try it."
Well, the wedding day came, and the festivities of the night began.
He puts his willie into her, and she snaps the band.

"What the hel_l was that?", he said
She says,"Oh honey, that just proves that I’m a virgin! You just popped my cherry"
He says, "Well, can ya tell me how to pop it again, quick?
ONE OF MY NUTS IS CAUGHT IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!