Smile & Laugh 08 (Mar 12 - Sep 12)

[winston]

Jail

Guy: Is you dad still in jail?

Girl: For what?

Guy: For stealing all the stars in the sky and putting them in your eyes!

[winston]

Drunk

A man comes home from a night of drinking with the boys.

As he falls through the doorway of his house, his wife snaps at him, “what’s the big idea coming home half drunk?”

The man replies, “I’m sorry, honey. I ran out of money.”

[winston]

Ant

A man was sent to prison for 20 years.

He was so bored while in there; he found an ant and decided to teach it tricks - like beg, play dead, roll over, jump hair etc.

He served his time and was released. He took his ant with him in a matchbox.

The first place he went was to a bar. He sat down, took out the matchbox and emptied out the ant.

He then said to the guy beside him, "you are not gonna believe what this ant can do".

He showed him all the tricks and the guy was impressed. He told him that he could make a fortune with the ant.

The guy with the ant was excited and called the bartender over and said "you see that ant?"

The bartender put his finger on the ant, twisted it and said "sorry sir it won't happen again."

[winston]

Vacuum Cleaner

Lady, this vacuum cleaner will cut your work in half.

Good. I’ll take two of them.

[winston]

Auction

Selling at an auction was halted when the auctioneer announced, “Someone in the room has lost his wallet containing $2,000.

He is offering a reward of $500.00 for its immediate return.”

After a moment of silence, there was a call from the back of the room, “$550.00”

[winston]

Tracks

Two antarcticans were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks.

The first said, "You know, those look like deer tracks."

The other said, "No, silly, those are moose tracks."

They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.

[winston]

Mind

A doctor broke the bad news to a man, that his wife would have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

“I’m afraid her mind’s completely gone,” he said.

“Makes sense,” mumbled the man.

“She’s been giving me a piece of it every day for the last 15 years.”

[winston]

Doctor

A man is surprised to receives a call from his doctor.

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have some bad news and some worse news."

"Well, alright, give me the bad news first," said the man.

"Well," said the doctor, "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live."

"Holy Cow! That is some bad news!" the man exclaimed. "What news could be worse than that?" he asked.

"The worse news is that I have been trying to reach you since yesterday."

[winston]

Ticket

This guy was pulled over for running a stop sign.

When the cop checked the man's driver's license, he said, "You're wearing glasses on your ID and you're not now. I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

The guy said, "Officer, I have contacts."

The cop said, "Look, buddy, I don't care who you know, ... I'm giving you a ticket."

[winston]

Stupid

- Daddy, daddy... Why is it that everyone calls me stupid?

- I don't know kid; I am not your daddy.