Smile & Laugh 08 (Mar 12 - Sep 12)

[winston]

Grass

Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer, when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

[winston]

War Games

Every Saturday morning, Grandpa Walt found himself babysitting his three grandchildren...all boys.

The kids always wanted to play ''war,'' and Grandpa somehow always got coaxed into the game.

His daughter came to pick up the kids early one Saturday and witnessed Grandpa take a fake shot, as Jason pointed a toy gun and yelled, "Bang!''

Grandpa slumped to the floor and stayed there motionless. The daughter rushed over to see if he was all right.

Grandpa opened one eye and whispered, ''Sh-h-h, I always do this. It's the only chance I get to rest.''

[iam802]

Media propaganda...what you see may not be true.

[winston]

Kids

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed.

The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!".

Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".

"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said.

To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"

"Yes Sir!" was the reply

"Then what would you say to Mama?"

"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"

He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

[iam802]

Remember Back to the Future?

That date is yesterday.

[Chinaman]

Gentlemen, these are simple TRUTHS

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

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No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea.'

[winston]

Jesus

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

[winston]

Morning Run

The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:

"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

First, the good news Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow.

But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."

[winston]

Vanishing Cream

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going.

The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it is vanishing cream!”

[winston]

A rapist, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car...

Who is driving the car?

Hidden Content:

A police officer