Smile & Laugh 08 (Mar 12 - Sep 12)

[winston]

Dream

An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream.

She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her.

He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried."

She asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?". He said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely."

Then she asked "well would you two live in this house?". He replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage."

She asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?".

He snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it."

She asked irately, "well would she use my golf clubs?". He replied with a straight, serious face "no. She's left handed."

[winston]

Bears

At a divorce court a family of bears is waiting for the judge, to grant custody of little bear.

The judge asks the baby bear; you want to live with papa bear?. The baby bear replied; "No he beats me. "

The judge asked, so do you want to live with mommy bear! The baby bear said, "No she beats me too."

The judge asked, "Then whom do you want to live with?" The baby bear says, "The Chicago bears, they don't beat anyone!"

[winston]

Airplane Jokes

1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.

Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

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2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments."

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3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

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4. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

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5. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day:

During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.

After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.

Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate

[winston]

A Woman's Fantasy

In a recent on-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy.

98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy,

one man is cooking

and the other is cleaning.

[winston]

Genie

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.

The man said:” I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"

The genie frowned" I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,” he said.

"Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"

The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy".

The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

[winston]

Safe Driver Award

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over.

He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"