Smile & Laugh 10 (May 13 - Aug 15)

[winston]

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

[winston]

Marriage

Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face.

Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. “Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?”

“Of course, I will, you silly boy,” she replied, “Who’s speaking?”

[winston]

Doorbell

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach.

He watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the the bell.

After he pressed it he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!"

[winston]

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Pettry amzanig huh?

[winston]

Luck

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!

[winston]

Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live together.

One night, the 96-year-0ld draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. "Was I getting in the tub or out?" she yells.

The 94-year-old hollers back, "I don't know, I'll come up to see." She starts up the stairs and stops. She shouts, "Was I going up or going down?"

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful", and knocks on wood for good measure.

Then she yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."




Forward this joke to your friends >>

[winston]

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?

SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!

[winston]

Memory

An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to.

So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age.

He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things.

The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember."

"Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?"

He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top."

He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast."

[winston]

Lawyer

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased, before he signed the death certificate.

"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said.

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

[winston]

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

PUPILS: A teacher