Smile & Laugh 09 (Sep 12 - May 13)

[winston]

Millionaire

The teacher said; “Take a pencil and paper, and write an essay with the title ‘If I Were a Millionaire.’”

Everyone but Joe, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write feverishly.

“What’s the matter,” the teacher asked. “Why don’t you begin?”

“I’m waiting for my secretary,” Joe replied.

[winston]

Horseback Riding

An Antartian decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the Antartian begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway.

The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

[winston]

Hell

A young girl came home from a date looking sad.

She told her mother, “Charles proposed to me a few minutes ago.”

“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

“Because he also mentioned he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t believe there’s hell!”

Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

[winston]

Tickets

“What am I supposed to do with this?” grumbled the motorist, as the police clerk handed him a receipt, for his traffic violation.

“Keep it,” the clerk advises.

“When you get four of them, you get a bicycle.”

[winston]

Lunch

There were 3 men who were working on a bridge.

One of the worker's name was John, the other one's name was Randall, and the last one's name was Joe.

So one day when the 3 men were taking a lunch break, they all opened up their lunch box and saw what their wives had gave them for lunch.

When John opened his lunch, he saw that he had peanut butter and jelly, so then he said, "If my wife gives me the same lunch tomorrow, I'm going to jump off this bridge.

Then Randall opened his lunch and saw that he had spaghetti and meatballs. So then he also said the same thing as what John said.

Then when Joe opened his lunch he saw that he was having a chicken salad.

So then he said that he too was going to jump off the bridge if he got the same lunch the next day.

So the next day, all 3 men had the same lunch from yesterday and they all jumped off.

A week later when the funeral was scheduled, John's wife said, "If my sweetie- pie told me he wanted a new lunch, he should have told me!” then Randalls wife said "Why did he do it? Why??” then Joe's wife said, "Why did he jump off the bridge? He packed his own lunch!"

[winston]

4 Letter Words

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say," asked the nurse.

"Oops!"

[winston]

Senators

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?"

He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."

[winston]

Creative Defense

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried a creative defense to get his client off the hook.

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few paltry items. His arm is not himself, so I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed soley by his arm."

"Well put," the judge replied with a grin. "Using that same logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. Your client can accompany the arm or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's help, he detatched his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.

[winston]

Insomnia

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.

The doctor gave him an exam and found nothing physically wrong with him.

“Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”

“It’s true,” said the patient, “but my wife refuses to sleep alone.”

[winston]

Renaming

Now that we are into renaming things like Mount Diablo, President Obama wants to rename the San Andreas Fault.

His suggestion, Bush's Fault.