Smile & Laugh 08 (Mar 12 - Sep 12)

[winston]

Grapes

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

A: "BREATHE YOU IDIOT, BREATHE!"

[winston]

Panda

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal.

After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away.

Quickly, the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!"

The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!"

So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”

[winston]

"Where did I come from?"

"Dad, where did I come from?" asks this 10-years-old.

The father was shocked, that a 10 year old would be asking a question like that.

He was hoping to wait a few more years before he would have to explain the facts of life, but he figured it was better a few years early than a few days too late, so, for the next two hours he explained every thing to his son.

When he got finished, he asked his son what prompted his question to which his son replied, "I was talking to the new kid across the street and he said he came from Ohio, so I was just wondering where I came from."

[winston]

Did you ever notice that musicians play and doctors practice but the rest of us work for a living ?

[Chinaman]

This is a gem! ..... .
http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-a ... 9565_n.jpg]

[winston]

Drunk

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,

"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

[winston]

Horse

Mr. Marlow was strolling through the country, when he saw a stable, with the most beautiful horse he ever laid eyes on. It was seventeen hands high and white, with rippling muscles and a fine, flowing mane.

Mr. Marlow struck a deal to buy it from the owner who did, however, pass on one key piece of information.

"We are a religious family, Mr.Marlow, and we've instilled those values in our horse. To get him to gallop you must say 'Thanks God' to get him to stop you must say 'Our Father Who Art in Heaven,"

Settling into the saddle, Marlow said " Thanks God," and the animal took off. They rode for miles; suddenly they were coming up to a cliff. Unfortunately, Marlow couldn't remember the phrase to make the animal stop and tried every Biblical passage he could think of until, just a few feet from the edge of the cliff, he shouted, " Our Father Who Art in Heaven!

The animal stopped instantly. Shaking and perspiring, Marlow reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief. "Thanks God," he said as he mopped his brow...

[winston]

At the Graveyard

When Ted was putting flowers on his Grandmother's grave he noticed a man, very distraught, in front of a tombstone several yards away.

The man was on his knees, hands tightly clasped in front of him, rocking back and forth, head tilted upward to heaven, tears streaming down his cheeks, moaning softly, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" Over and over again.

Ted was overcome with emotion at this sight and went over to the poor man to try and console him. "Why did you die? Why did you die?"
bellowed the man again and again.

Ted gently put his arm around the man and half whispered to him, "My Grandmother is buried just over there. Is a loved one of yours buried here?"

"No," sniffled the man, "It's my wife's first husband."

[winston]

Judge

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer.

"If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.

In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!"

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them."

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

[winston]

Donkey, Dog & Monkey


God created the donkey & said to him:

“You will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.You will be a donkey. “

The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years. God granted his wish.


God created the dog and said to him: "You will be a dog.” You will guard the house of man. You will be his best friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 25 years. You will be a dog. “

The dog answered: “Master, to live 25 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish.


God created the Monkey and said to him: “You will be a monkey.” You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. You will be a monkey. “

The monkey answered: “Master to live 20 years is too much, you give me only 10 years. God granted his wish


Finally God created the man and said to him: “You will be a man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth.” You will use your intelligence to become master over all animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years.

Man responded: "I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused. God granted his wish.

And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, he marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back.

Then when his children are gone, he lives 15 years like a dog, taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house, from one son or daughter to another, doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.