Smile & Laugh 08 (Mar 12 - Sep 12)

[winston]

Guy: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Girl: Yes, that's why I dont go there anymore.

[winston]

Color

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew, when a pirate ship came over the horizon.

The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates.

Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious.

Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?"

The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit."

"I see," says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20 pirate ships in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

[winston]

The Card

A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."

The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull.

The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

[winston]

Temperature


60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.

Chicago people sunbathe.


50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.

Chicago people plant gardens.


40 above - Italian cars won't start.

Chicago people drive with the windows down.

[winston]

Temperature - Continue


32 above - Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.

20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.

15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.

0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the sweatshirt.

20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.

[winston]

Temperature - Continue


40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.


60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.


80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.
Chicago people rent some videos.

[winston]

Temperature - Continue


100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.


297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.


460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.
Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"

500 below - Hell freezes over.
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.

[winston]

Superbowl

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl.

Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium.

He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat.

As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty.

John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it?

The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968.

John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

[behappyalways]

当你儿子/女儿不好好学习时 用这张图教育他(图)
http://www.wenxuecity.com/news/2012/03/ ... 73975.html

[winston]

Police Test

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I juggle them in my act."

"Oh, yeah? Says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it.” The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.

"Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!