Smile & Laugh 06 (Aug 10 - Oct 11)

[millionairemind]

LOOKING FOR WORK

A doctor from Israel says: "In Israel the medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles; we put them into another man, and in 6 weeks he is looking for work."

The German doctor comments: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of the brain out of a person; we put it into another person's head, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

A Russian doctor says: "That's nothing either. In Russia we take out half of the heart from a person; we put it into another person's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The U.S. doctor answers immediately: "That's nothing my colleagues, you are way behind us....in the USA , about 2 years ago, we grabbed a person from Kenya with no brains, no heart, and no balls....we made him President of the United States , and now....... the whole country is looking for work.

[millionairemind]

The Grinding USA Recession...

The recession has hit everybody in the USA really hard...
. My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail
. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
. I met a Mormon downsized to only a single wife.
. If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them, and ask if they meant you or them.
. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
. Parents in Beverly Hills are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.
. My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
. A picture is now only worth 200 -300 words.
. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, gas prices, my depleted savings, Social Security, shrunken retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan,

and when I told them I was suicidal, they all got wildly excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

[winston]

Molecules

Two molecules are walking down the street; one bumps into the other and says: "Oh, my fault, you okay?”

The Second Molecule says: "No, I'm not ok, I've lost an electron!"

So the first molecule says: "Are you sure" ?

The second molecule answers, "I'm positive!"

[winston]

Male Jokes

Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner.

The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking.

“I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.”

“Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding.

“Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”

[winston]

Doctors Jokes

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town’s grouch

So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

[winston]

Laughter

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

-- E. E. Cummings, 1894-1962, American Poet

[winston]

Insurance Company

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against .... get this .... fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion.

The man sued ... and won!! In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires."

After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested... on 24 counts of arson! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

[kennynah]

but there's a pristine lesson here...

mai kay kiang

[tonylim]

When Bob first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown fifty centimetres.

Bob became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Bob's condition (Donkey Doodle,) it could be fixed through corrective surgery.

'How long will Bob be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously.

'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.

'Well,' said the wife coldly, 'you're gunna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

[kennynah]

Hide and Seek -

Champion found dead in cupboard