Smile & Laugh 05 (Feb 10 - Jul 10)

Re: Smile & Laugh 5 (Feb 10 - Apr 10)

Postby Aspellian » Thu Mar 25, 2010 2:16 pm

House Fire

A dumb blonde calls the fire department and says, "Help me- my house is on fire!!"
The fireman says, "Where do you live?"

The dumb blonde replies, "I don't know"

The fireman asks, "How do you expect us to get there?"

The dumb blonde replies sarcastically, "Duhhhh, the little red truck"

When she was much younger....

Image

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Re: Smile & Laugh 5 (Feb 10 - Apr 10)

Postby Aspellian » Thu Mar 25, 2010 2:21 pm

Speeding - Clean Joke

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back--wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 119."

Image

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Re: Smile & Laugh 5 (Feb 10 - Apr 10)

Postby millionairemind » Fri Mar 26, 2010 1:47 pm

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is
Restricted!

Q: Why is Sex like shaving?
A: Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll
have to do it again...

Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.

Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over,
but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!

Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless
later

Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...

New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with
different women.

Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
- They give like hell.
- They do not yell.
- They do not tell.
- They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!

My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in
Paradise.
Why?
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
"If a speculator is correct half of the time, he is hitting a good average. Even being right 3 or 4 times out of 10 should yield a person a fortune if he has the sense to cut his losses quickly on the ventures where he has been wrong" - Bernard Baruch

Disclaimer - The author may at times own some of the stocks mentioned in this forum. All discussions are NOT to be construed as buy/sell recommendations. Readers are advised to do their own research and analysis.
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Re: Smile & Laugh 5 (Feb 10 - Apr 10)

Postby millionairemind » Sun Mar 28, 2010 8:11 pm

Funny Instructions

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
"If a speculator is correct half of the time, he is hitting a good average. Even being right 3 or 4 times out of 10 should yield a person a fortune if he has the sense to cut his losses quickly on the ventures where he has been wrong" - Bernard Baruch

Disclaimer - The author may at times own some of the stocks mentioned in this forum. All discussions are NOT to be construed as buy/sell recommendations. Readers are advised to do their own research and analysis.
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Re: Smile & Laugh 5 (Feb 10 - Apr 10)

Postby Cheng » Sun Mar 28, 2010 8:17 pm

Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.


:lol: :lol: :lol:
"The really big money tends to be made by investors who are right on qualitative decisions." Warren Buffett

"Risk no more than you can afford to lose, and also risk enough so that a win is meaningful." Ed Seykota

Scan with FA, Time with TA, Volatility is my Friend. :)
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Re: Smile & Laugh 5 (Feb 10 - Apr 10)

Postby millionairemind » Mon Mar 29, 2010 8:16 pm

This is the funniest joke I've read today. :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

KFC visits the Pope

A guy from KFC arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, “Your Eminence, do we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’ we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church.”

The Pope responds saying, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the KFC man, “we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread....’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’”

Again, the Pope replies, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

Finally, the KFC guy says, “This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer
from ‘give us this day our daily bread...’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken....’” and he leaves.

The next day, the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and bad news. “The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion.”

“The bad news is that we are losing the GARDENIA Bread Account.”
"If a speculator is correct half of the time, he is hitting a good average. Even being right 3 or 4 times out of 10 should yield a person a fortune if he has the sense to cut his losses quickly on the ventures where he has been wrong" - Bernard Baruch

Disclaimer - The author may at times own some of the stocks mentioned in this forum. All discussions are NOT to be construed as buy/sell recommendations. Readers are advised to do their own research and analysis.
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Re: Smile & Laugh 5 (Feb 10 - Apr 10)

Postby millionairemind » Wed Mar 31, 2010 2:13 pm

R.I.P.

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man with no family or friends. The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the country. This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions. I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place. I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

I was young and enthusiastic and poured out my heart and soul as I preached. The workers joined in with, "Praise the Lord," "Amen," and "Glory!" I got so into the service that I preached and preached and preached, from Genesis to The Revelation.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."



Amish Humor

Sign behind an Amish carriage:

"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on grass and oats.

CAUTION: Avoid exhaust!"



Bedside Manners


Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."
"If a speculator is correct half of the time, he is hitting a good average. Even being right 3 or 4 times out of 10 should yield a person a fortune if he has the sense to cut his losses quickly on the ventures where he has been wrong" - Bernard Baruch

Disclaimer - The author may at times own some of the stocks mentioned in this forum. All discussions are NOT to be construed as buy/sell recommendations. Readers are advised to do their own research and analysis.
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Re: Smile & Laugh 5 (Feb 10 - Apr 10)

Postby Aspellian » Wed Mar 31, 2010 2:44 pm

Umpires

When I was a coach for Little League Baseball, I used about the same opening speech every year: "We have to use sportsmanship at all times. There will be no yelling at the umpires or other players and no being poor losers. Do y'all understand ?"

At that point the kids would generally nod, then I'd add, "Good! Now please go home and explain all that to your parents."

PROMISE, PASSION, PEACE, POWER, PURPOSE, PLAN, PATIENCE, PERSEVERANCE, PROTECTION
DELIGHT, DISCIPLINE, DILIGENT, DETERMINATION, DESIRE

"Its not whether you're right or wrong thats important, but how much money you make when you're right and how much you lose when you're wrong." - Warren Buffet
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Re: Smile & Laugh 5 (Feb 10 - Apr 10)

Postby Aspellian » Wed Mar 31, 2010 2:44 pm

Ram

Why did the ram fall over the cliff ?

He didn't see the ewe turn !

PROMISE, PASSION, PEACE, POWER, PURPOSE, PLAN, PATIENCE, PERSEVERANCE, PROTECTION
DELIGHT, DISCIPLINE, DILIGENT, DETERMINATION, DESIRE

"Its not whether you're right or wrong thats important, but how much money you make when you're right and how much you lose when you're wrong." - Warren Buffet
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Re: Smile & Laugh 5 (Feb 10 - Apr 10)

Postby cif5000 » Wed Mar 31, 2010 10:41 pm

cif5000: Hey Winston, I notice the advertisement on Viagra and Cialis each time I visit InvestIdeas.

Winston: Ah...you got to delete your browser's history!
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