Family & Parenthood 02 (Jan 10 - Aug 10)

[winston]

The Most Important Job On Earth by Alexander Green

My friends John and Marcy seem to have it all ... Great health, a beautiful family, a lovely home, plenty of money.

The problem? Their teenage kids are driving them completely nuts.

My wife Karen and I recently spent a weekend with them at their home in upstate New York.

"It's so exasperating," complained Marcy. "They don't study. They stay out until all hours. We never know where they are or whom they're with. Of course, it's uncool for them to answer a phone call from their parents when they're out, but they won't even text us back. It's infuriating."

"Who is supplying them with the cell phones, the cars and the money?" I asked.

"Well, who do you think?" she said, irritated just thinking about it.

I let it go at that. This conversation wasn't improving the evening and, besides, it was none of my business. But I couldn't help thinking how different things were growing up at my house.

I was one of four boys, fairly close in age. Like all boys, we acted up. Regularly. But if things started getting out of hand, my Dad would threaten to "lower the boom."

(I'm not sure any of us really knew what that meant, exactly. But from the look in his eye and the tone of his voice, it was clear that any "boom lowering" would not accrue to our advantage.)

That was when we were young, of course. But by the time you reach your teenage years, your relationship with your parents is pretty well established. And the way my brothers and I were raised, it would have been unthinkable to treat our Mom or Dad like a doormat.

Yet I have several friends who tell me they are experiencing pretty much the same thing as John and Marcy. They complain about their kids' poor grades and bad manners, their lack of respect and motivation, their general feeling of entitlement.

What I don't hear many of them saying is what role they as parents are playing in this state of affairs. Some of them might benefit from thinking a little less about fixing their kids and a little more about fixing the way they parent.

This is a touchy subject, I know. Everyone who has had a parent or a child - every living soul, in other words - is an expert on the subject. But could any job be more important?

As parents, it's our responsibility to educate our kids about the consequences of their behavior. This requires frequent communication (and sometimes punishment). Yet, according to a recent study, the average parent spends three and a half minutes per week in meaningful conversation with his or her children. No wonder so many kids are a mess.

What should parents communicate? For starters, guidance, understanding, and opinions about what is right and wrong. They need to stress the importance of education and hard work.

Most of all, parents need to communicate that their love is unconditional, but their approval is not. Kids need to understand that eventually we all sit down to a banquet of consequences.

And it's a tough world out there...

In 1940, for example, public school teachers claimed that the top seven disciplinary problems were talking out of turn, chewing gum, making noise, running in the halls, cutting in line, dress code infractions and littering. Today it is drug abuse, alcohol abuse, pregnancy, suicide, rape, robbery and assault.

We can speculate on the reasons for this - violent and sexually-charged television shows, movies and video games, millions of homes without fathers, or other factors - but there is no denying the general coarsening of the culture.

Columnist George Will recently remarked that, "Sixty years ago, parents' primary job was getting their kids to adopt the values of the culture. Today their primary job is getting them not to adopt the values of the culture."

Things really are tougher for parents now. But that only means good parenting is more important than ever. Yes, the schools will teach them reading, science, history and math (or should). But it is up to us to teach our kids about important things like work, health, money, relationships, and integrity.

Part of this, of course, is setting an example. Your kids may not hear much of what you say. But they are watching what you do like a hawk.

And while there are different approaches to parenthood, in my view there are certain core values all kids should be taught:
* Respect your elders.
* Two ears, one mouth: Listen twice as much as you talk.
* When you give your word, keep it. Always.
* Look people in the eye when you talk to them.
* Stand up for yourself.
* Be kind to animals.
* Smile, it don't cost nothing. (Bad grammar, good lesson)
* If you don't have the time to do it right, how will you find the time to do it over?
* Spend less than what you earn. Save and invest the difference.
* Always say "please" and "thank you," "yes, sir" and "no, ma'am."
* Understand that the workplace is a hierarchy, not a democracy.
* If you borrow something, return it in better condition than you got it.
* Learn to think for yourself.
* If you don't know something, look it up.
* Cigarettes don't make you look cool. They make you look stupid.
* Drugs deliver short-term highs and lifelong lows.
* Sex is great but unwanted pregnancies and STDs are not.
* When you need help, ask for it. When others need help, give it.
* Doing the right thing always has its reward.
* If you mess up, apologize.
* Anything worth having is worth working for.
* Do what you love for a living and the money will follow. (Not enough to make you rich necessarily, but enough to live an authentic life.)
* You don't need someone to complete you. Complete yourself.
* Successful people make a habit of doing the things unsuccessful people don't want to do.
* Hold the door for people - men and women alike.
* Accept responsibility for yourself.
* If you face a difficult decision, ask, "How will this make me feel about myself?"
* And never forget: Non illigitamus carbonundrum. (That's Latin for "Don't let the bastards get you down.")

This is just a partial list, of course. Eighteen years is about how long it takes to learn what we need to know to become responsible adults. After all, most of us don't start making good decisions until after we've screwed up making so many bad ones.

In the end, parents only have so much ability to guide their children's behavior. Scientists still don't know how much we're shaped by nature versus our environment - and probably never will.

But preparing our kids for adulthood is an awesome responsibility, the most important job on earth. So it behooves us - and society as a whole - to do everything in our power to do it well.

Family is the cornerstone of society, the ultimate economic and spiritual unit of every civilization. Twenty-five hundred years ago, Confucius said, "The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them." (This is just as true of mothers, especially today when so many kids are growing up without fathers around.)

Parenthood is and will always be a sacred task. When our kids are grown, they will have to deal with the consequences of their choices. No parent wants to live with regrets about what he or she "should have done."

For most of us, our families are what we care about most. I know that if I felt I had failed as a father, no success in any other area could make up for it.

Yet each family is unique and no one will ever know the full reality of your situation.

Still, imperfect as we are, there is great satisfaction imprinting the best of us on our kids and doing whatever we can to give them a leg up in our competitive world, knowing that, however we fell short in one area or another, we did the best we could.

Source: Spiritual Wealth

[kennynah]

look at hollywood films made in the 50s/60s..... and look at movies of the 90s until now... movies depict current social issues and behaviour ... it is very easy to see how america has degenerated its family and social values in just 1 generation...

[Musicwhiz]

look at hollywood films made in the 50s/60s..... and look at movies of the 90s until now... movies depict current social issues and behaviour ... it is very easy to see how america has degenerated its family and social values in just 1 generation...

Not just in terms of values, but also in terms of their finances.

One generation ago, Americans used to be a nation of savers. Now they are a nation of spenders, mostly living on easy credit.....living beyond their means!

[millionairemind]

Er.... I think we shouldn't look too far... just look at our own backyard in Singapore...

I don't think our younger generation of kids are any better than their counterparts in the US.

[winston]

Music

Mozart never had a top 40 hit, but he suddenly became very popular in the early 90s after a study showed that kids who listened to his music had better spatial abilities than kids who didn't.

Spatial ability involves aptitude for analyzing and comprehending, which plays into recognition of patterns and critical problem solving.

In short, advanced spatial ability equals smarts.

So for years, parents, day-care centers, pediatricians, etc., have been pumping Don Giovanni and other Mozart favorites into little ears, certain the little brains were getting sharp.

Turns out they weren't.

Psychologists from the University of Vienna reviewed dozens of studies that addressed the Mozart/spatial ability question. Their conclusion: Kids might learn to love (or maybe hate) classical music, but if they bring home straight As, it won't be because of the maestro.

If you want to make kids smarter, minimize their intake of sugar, television, video games, and the Internet.
Then maximize their intake of nutrients that we KNOW support cognitive function--vitamin D, vitamin B-12, and omega-3 fatty acids for starters.

Then put on some tunes you like and dance around with your brainy kids.


Source: HSI

[millionairemind]

Just came back from the library.

While there, I overhead a non-stop tirade from a mother to her bespectacled girl while in the elevator. She just went on and on the moment she stepped into the elevator and I am just trapped there with them.

"Y you borrow so many books?" "don't you know you have alot of homework"... etc..etc.. and the worst

"I wished I have never given birth to you"

The quiet girl just stood there, taking it all in.

This is probably the worst form of verbal abuse (other than using vulgarities) on one's children.

How can you tell your child that "I wished I have never given birth to you".

How will that make the child feel?? How kind of self esteem will she have when she grows up?

Sigh....

[kennynah]

"I wished I have never given birth to you"

very unkind words....

[millionairemind]

WEALTH
Teaching rich kids about work

Being on parental dole all through life could do more harm than good, and formal education alone may not suffice

(NEW YORK)
Problem of affluence: When money comes easy, children may not have a proper perspective on its value

STEVEN Hayworth, chief executive of Gibraltar Private Bank & Trust, is thrilled that his daughter will be working this summer at a women's clothing store before heading to college in autumn. It is not the particular job that pleases Mr Hayworth. Rather, he is hoping his daughter will make the connection between how much she earns each day and what that will buy.

'As a parent who has worked his whole life and has had a little bit of success in my career, one of the huge life lessons I learned early on is the value of a dollar,' said Mr Hayworth, whose bank is based in Coral Gables, Florida. 'Particularly for children of upper-middle-class and affluent families, there's no perspective on value. When the new Range Rover pulls into the driveway, there's no concept of how many hours of hard work went into owning that vehicle.'

Unlike many college-bound children today, Mr Hayworth's daughter would have had no worries if she had not been able to find a job. She could have spent the summer by the pool, knowing her parents had the money to put her through college.

But the fact that she does not have to work is exactly what worries Mr Hayworth and many other affluent parents. The recession and tight job market have made it imperative to teach their children the value of work. They worry about that, it seems, more than about any short-term swings in their portfolios.

'This is a tremendously confusing time for families,' said Matthew Brady, head of wealth advisory in the Americas for Barclays Wealth. 'The issue of children is the most important topic that affects our clients. It's the topic that comes up most consistently in every conversation.'

A coterie of experts has sprung up in the past few years to coach the children of affluence into the working world.

Gibraltar offers classes in 'financial life skills' that cover topics including saving, preventing debt and how money affects friendships. JP Morgan Private Bank offers what it calls 'Next Generation Leadership' seminars.

This may seem unnecessary, unfair or worse to parents with fewer means and just as many concerns about their children's futures. But the central issue for all parents is the same: How do you raise children who are productive?

Parents of various means are facing the prospect of adult children who have to move home because they cannot find a job.

Brad Klontz, a financial psychologist and co-author of Mind Over Money (Broadway Business, 2009), said parents should set ground rules from the outset, including charging children rent. Without rules, there is a risk of what he calls 'financial enabling'. 'It's financial help that hurts,' he said. 'You condition them that there will always be enough money - whatever my needs are, they will always be taken care of.' In charging them to live back under your roof, you are also forcing them to become aware of expenses, which many of them may know little about.

'You have to help a kid understand what it means out there,' said Joline Godfrey, chief executive of Independent Means, a consultant in Santa Barbara, California, that focuses on financial education. 'You can't expect kids to go out in the world and be self-sufficient if they don't know what a utility bill is.'

Parents usually mean well when they try to help their children financially. They do not want their children to fail or they want their children to have a better life than they had. But providing too much can hurt children.

This is not just an issue for college-age children. When children are younger, overscheduling them into after-school and summer programmes robs them of the chance to accomplish things on their own, said Debbie Cox, managing director at JP Morgan Private Bank in Dallas.

'They don't have time to get into the community on their own,' she said. 'Kids just don't have time to get a job any more.'

Hand in hand with this is parents' obsessive focus on formal education. It often comes at the expense of what Ms Cox calls social and financial education. One thing a tough summer job market could be good for is improving children's social education: Volunteering is perfect for this and better than hanging out with friends.

'They need to learn what it's like to get up every morning and get to that job and help someone with something,' Ms Cox said.

Another bad thing for parents to do is always to solve their children's problems. Todd Morgan, senior managing director at Bel Air Investment Advisors, a Los Angeles-based company that manages US$5 billion, said the tendency among successful executives was to step into their children's lives and fix things as they would in a boardroom.

'Do not offer to fix or change something unless you've been invited to do it,' he said.

Mr Morgan, who admits to having made this mistake at times, has a motto he shares with clients, 'Don't make the person feel powerless; empower them to make their own decisions.'

So what is the right way to help a child struggling to find a job or a career? Ms Godfrey said it could be difficult to get children started, or what she calls 'launched'. 'A year ago, when we started to do fairly serious work on the launch process, I thought we were dealing with families who had slackers,' she said. 'The more we got into it, the more we realised that these were kids who are educated but are having a tough time getting into a purposeful path that will help them maintain their lifestyle.'

She urges families to set two goals: Get children living without subsidies and put them on a career track. 'Those families that treat their kids' launch like any other endeavour are having the most success,' she said.

This means parents and children need to discuss expectations. If financial help is involved, it cannot be infinite and that must be explained. But most of all, parents have to realise there is more to be done than just educating their children.

'Seriously middle-class families have said for a long time that the investment I've made in you is giving you a good education and then you're on your own,' Ms Godfrey said. 'But now these families are realising they have a great education, but yikes, it's tough for them to be on their own. Now it's not how much money you have, but how big is your network and how can you connect them.'

Mr Klontz said a good way to help is to pay a career counsellor for guidance. 'What isn't helpful is, 'Here's a cheque,' ' he said. 'Once you get them on the parental dole, it's hard to get them off.'

In this, Mr Hayworth knows he is fortunate. He attributed his daughter's eagerness to work to her seeing him enjoy what he does. But he said he realised she still has a lot to learn.

'She's not financially competent, yet but she's sensitive to the issue,' he said. 'On a day that she doesn't sell a lot, and her feet are sore, she'll recognise, 'I made US$80 gross and my take-home is US$60.' Then she'll say five times US$60 is US$300, and a decent apartment is US$800 a month. That's when you start to think about financial competency.' - NYT

[Aspellian]

"I wished I have never given birth to you"

very unkind words....

Very irresponsible statement by the parent. The repercussions in future years on the child is immense.

[millionairemind]

The Mrs. just came back from her class' Parent-Teacher conference where she met with the parents to review the half yearly results of the students.

One boy from P2 came in with his father. He scored first in Mathematics and Chinese for the grade level, but only managed to score 84 for English.

Unfortunately, the father only harped on the 84 for the English, scolding his son while meeting with the teacher.

The boy just sat there quietly.

Sigh....

What's with the obsession with grades? Can't the father praise the boy for his perfect score in Maths and almost perfect score in Chinese?

Parents nowadays ask for too much. I am sure this boy's going for "extra" tuition in English this June holidays.

Education is a marathon, not a 100m sprint.

No point turning a kid off learning by being too obsessed with grades. It's a life long journey.