Smile & Laugh 02 (Nov 08 - Mar 09)

[Cherry]

Especially for You


EFFECTIVE NOVEMBER 3, 2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well
financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you do not need a raise. However, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.


Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.
We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category.
Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break: (Love this one)

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company.
We are here to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input

should be directed elsewhere.


The Management

[millionairemind]

Hey man, I'm A Panda

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:
A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.

[LenaHuat]

Do you like the Auditor's one line report on Lehman Brothers balance sheet:

'There are two sides to a Balance Sheet - the Left & the Right (Liabilities and Assets respectively),
on the Left side there is nothing right… and on the right side there is nothing left. '

Hi Cheery
Reminds me of how to spot a gay man by checking his ears:

The left is right AND the right is wrong.

[millionairemind]

There is an American, a Canadian, and a Chinese man. They all decided to go moose hunting. The Canadian went and came back with a big moose. The American asked, "Where'd you get that?" The Canadian said follow the tracks and you'll see.

The American came back with a big moose, and the Chinese man asked, "Where'd you get that?" The American said, "Follow the tracks and you'll see." Three days later, the Chinese man came back with ripped up clothing and a scratched up face. The American asked, "What happend to you?" The Chinese man said "My moose go choo-choo."

[kennynah]

Reminds me of how to spot a gay man by checking his ears:

The left is right AND the right is wrong.

modified into an off colour joke...

Hidden Content:

The left is right and the right way is behind

[Cherry]

An elderly man in Singapore calls his son in New York and says,

"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 35 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.

"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!"

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Singapore immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there within the next few days. Until then , don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR??" and she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Okay," he says, "It's all set. They're both coming for Chinese New Year and paying their own airfare!!"

[kennynah]

wahahahaha.....cool trick....

[millionairemind]

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs, and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry." "Hans Olaffsen?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?" So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like 'Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?'" The old man answers, "Is name of owner." The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?" "Me...is right here," replies the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" "Is simple," says the old man.

"Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say,'Hans Olaffsen.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?'"

"I say Sem Ting."

[iam802]

Prank call catches Palin off guard

audio here:
http://www.reuters.com/news/video?video ... oChannel=1

Nov. 2 - U.S. Republican VP candidate, Sarah Palin, unwittingly takes a prank call from a Canadian comedian posing as French President Nicolas Sarkozy who tells her she would make a good president someday.

U.S. vice presidential hopeful Sarah Palin fell prey to a Canadian prankster on Saturday (November 1) when he called her impersonating French President Nicolas Sarkozy and got her to accept an invitation to hunt baby seals.

In an over-the-top French accent, a member of the Quebec comedy duo "The Masked Avengers," famous for tricking celebrities and politicians including Sarkozy himself, asked if Palin would take him on a hunting trip by helicopter, and then in French said they could also go kill baby seals.

An apparently oblivious Palin said she thought that would be fun. "We could have a lot of fun together as we're getting work done. We could kill two birds with one stone that way."

[millionairemind]

From TalkingCock.com..

Uproar Over Insensitive Handling of Bank Complaints
Posted on Sunday, November 02, 2008
Topic: Business

by Ayam Sakit

The Damn Bloody Shit (DBS) Bank has once again come under fire for being insensitive to customers complaining that they had been misled into purchasing High Risk 5, an investment product linked to Lehman Brothers.

"Wah lau eh, I walked into the DBS branch and instead of a handshake, the relationship manager greeted me by raising his palm and saying, ‘High 5, Lehman Brother!’ Na beh! See me super too lan and can still joke, is it?!” said a visibly upset Mr Boey Tah Han.

However, Mr. Chee Pian Ren, a spokesman for DBS, denied the accusation of insensitivity.

"I did not greet Mr Boey by saying 'Lehman Brother',” he clarified. “ What I said was ‘Hey, man! Brudder!’ and ask him to gimme a high five. It was to show solidarity, that I sympathise with his loss. Management ask us to be friendly and nice, mah. How can he accuse me! First, he can't even read the words 'Lehman Brother' printed on the prospectus, now he can’t even hear clearly?" said Mr Ai Pian Lang. “Our investors are not only blind, they’re deaf and dumb also.”

While DBS have stated that these High Notes 5 investments are now worthless, they are looking to find some form of compensation for their investors.

"Judging by the level of literacy that these people have, we have arranged for compensation in the form of tickets to watch Hi-5, a popular kids play show. I'm sure they will enjoy it and forget all the money they have lost," said Mr. Chee.

Mr Boey expressed disgust at this offer.

"Basket, DBS think we are chewren, is it?” he fumed. “They chop off my Lehman Brother investment, so I won’t settle for anything less than chopping off their ‘little brother’.”

In related news, the Prem Binister’s Orifice has clarified his recent statement that “government should not be making decisions for individuals.”

Said spokesman Mr. Cheng Hu Kong, “Obviously, that only means decisions that go wrong, lah. We’re happy to claim credit for making all the right decisions for individuals. We just don’t want citizens to get the idea that they can protest and blame the Gahmen when they make the wrong choices. I mean, now it’s over investment. What next? Their vote? Cannot lai dat, mah.”