Smile & Laugh 08 (Mar 12 - Sep 12)

[winston]

Imagination

During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it.

Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response.

You there, the sergeant shouts, the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!

The recruit takes two steps to one side.

What are you doing, man? Yells the sergeant, purple with fury.

I'm taking shelter behind an imaginary tree, Sergeant, answers the recruit calmly.

[winston]

Vegetable

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night.

The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

"The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," the woman says.

The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.

"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies.

[winston]

Microsoft Service

Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere.

One of the three men says, "I have an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far enough for someone to hear us."

So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).

15 minutes later, the men in the balloon hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"

One of the men says, "That must be a Microsoft service tech!"

Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"

The man replies: "For three reasons:

(1) he took a long time to answer,
(2) he was absolutely correct, and
(3) his answer was absolutely useless."

[winston]

This old man was feared by all his neighbors because they believe he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours.

Every time he had a confrontation with his wife, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night, along with the same statement.

“When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Well he died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket.

After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The cheerfulness of her actions was becoming extreme, while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: are you not afraid?

Worried? Concerned? That this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said, “Let the jerk dig. I had him buried upside down.”

[winston]

Estate-Planning

Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sick father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her beauty took his breath away. “I may look like just an ordinary man,” he said to her, “but in just a few years, my father will pass, and I’ll inherit his large fortune.”

Impress, the woman took his business card and three months later, she became Joe’s stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men!!

[winston]

Admission Exam

There was a student who was desirous of taking admission for a study course.

He was smart enough to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear for the personal interview.

Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright, since he could answer all the questions correctly. The interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

"Tell me your choice;" said he to the boy, "What's your choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man on the opposite side.

Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the DAY, sir."

"How???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got you!" he said to himself.)

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!"

Admission for the course was thus secured.

[winston]

Memory Clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation, when one of the men asked the other, ”Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied.

"They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank.

He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

[winston]

Baseball

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game.

They promised, whoever died first, and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did.

He said to Bob. "I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first.

There is baseball in heaven." Bob said, "That’s the best news!"

Then Earl said, time for the bad news....”You're pitching tomorrow night."

[winston]

White Hair

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair.

As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"

The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."

The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again.

"Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

[winston]

Group Picture

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,

"There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or “That’s Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."