Smile & Laugh 08 (Mar 12 - Sep 12)

[winston]

Mother

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[winston]

Three men wanted to cross a river

They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river.

The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river.

The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

[winston]

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength.

He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said.

"I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."

[winston]

Numbers

Little Johnny was not paying attention in class so the math teacher called on him and said, Johnny! What are 5, 2, 28 and 40?

Little Johnny quickly replied, NBC, CBS, HBO, and Cartoon Network!

[winston]

Police

A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed.

He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.

The operator at the other end said "Are they in your house?"

He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house.

The operator said there were no cars available at that time. He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again.

"I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!"

Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.

After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, "I thought you said you had shot them all!"

The man answered, "I thought you said there were no police available!"

[winston]

Jail

About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably.

She gets up and starts to look for him. He's not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen.

As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffels coming from the basement.

She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him.

Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically.

She runs over to him and asks why he is crying.

He says, "Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?"

She looks at him and says, "yes". He says, "well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail."

She says, "I already know that. I don't see what the problem is."

He says, " don't you see!!! I would have gotten out today!"

[winston]

Flight

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[winston]

Turning Eighteen

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age.

He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted.

Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven, His father said.

[winston]

Divorce

An elderly couple stood before the family court judge after a long divorce trial.

The judge asked why they wanted a divorce after having been married for nearly 70 years.

They answered:" We wanted to wait, till after the kids had died".

[winston]

One-Way Street

Officer to driver going the wrong way up a one way street. "And where do you think you are going?"

Driver: - "I'm not sure, but I must be late as everyone else is coming back."