Smile & Laugh 10 (May 13 - Aug 15)

[winston]

Horses

After leaving the racetrack Bill bumped into his old friend Peter on the bus.

“Say,” Peter said, “How’s it going?”

“Going? You want to hear one of the most amazing things that ever happened? Tell me- what’s today’s date?”

“July seventh.” “Right. The seventh day, of the seventh month. I go to the track at seven minutes past seven. My son is seven years old today, and we live at number seven, Seventh Avenue.”

“Let me guess,” Peter interrupted. “You put everything you had on the seventh horse in the seventh race.” “Right.”

“And he won!” Peter sighed.

“No. He came in seventh.”

[winston]

Lawsuits

Down South, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suin' the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.

"And now someone's suin' them fast food restaurants for making 'em fat and cloggin' their hearts with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba. But why you asking?"

"Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin' can I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've slept with?"

[winston]

Government Philosophy: If it ain't broke, fix it 'till it is.

[winston]

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

"Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained.

"He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts.

He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."

[winston]

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc., everytime I drink coffee, I get terrible pains in my eye."

The doctor says, "Try taking the spoon out first."

[winston]

Accident

There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck.

Some time went by, and the case got to court.

The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?"

The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin' down the road, mindin' our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us.

When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin' up with his car.

He looked at the hogs, and they was 'most dead, so he shot 'em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him.

Then he came over to me and he said, 'How you feeling?'" "I said, I never felt better in my life."

[winston]

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason:

I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

[winston]

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."

[winston]

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up.

Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

[winston]

A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... They must be Gods!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me ... I must be a God!