Smile & Laugh 04 (Nov 09 - Jan 10)

[Aspellian]

Subject: Sperm count

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

hahaha!! this is a good one!!! (especially when your imagination run wild!!!! )

[millionairemind]

Fruit Salad

Three guys who were lost at sea ended up landing on an unfamiliar island. After wandering around for a while, a group of natives picked them up and took them to their hut. The chief came up to them and said, “We will let you live, if you can go out into the jungle and bring me 10 pieces of fruit.”

So the men agree and take off. The first guy brings back 10 apples and places them before the chief. “Now, you must stick the apples up your ass and not show a bit of emotion, or else we will kill you.” The guy got one, and on the second, he flinched and was killed.

The second guy walks up and shows the chief 10 berries. He is given the same task and makes it up to 8 and then begins to laugh histerically. He is also killed. When the second guy gets to heaven and meets up with the first, the first asks him “You almost had it! Why did you laugh??”

The second replies, “I couldnt help it. I got the 8th up there and saw the other guy walking up with pineapples.”

[millionairemind]

Hole in One

There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and
that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was
yelling, “TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX.” He did not know what that meant, but assumed it
to be some sort of praise.
The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One
of them made a hole in one. He yelled, “TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !”

They looked at him and said, “what do you mean wrong hole?”

[Aspellian]

How baby come into this world ?
Oh I'm sure you know ...
or ... mmm ... do you?
___________________
"Daddy , how did I come into this world?"

"Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you anyway."

"So why not today? Please!"

"OK, but listen carefully. Mom and dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When mom finished downloading we discovered we used no firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus! OK ?"

hahaha and you thought you know, 'virus'!

[Aspellian]

Why football is played for 45 minutes per half-time?

Why people play football for 45 minutes, not 30 minutes or 1 hour? Even
the sports scientist and some of the senior players could not give the right answer. In that confusing situation one person came up with a reasonable answer.
He said... ... ."The reason people play this game for 45 minutes is...

There are 2 teams and there are 11 players in each team. Each player brings his own "2 balls" So in total there are 44 balls. There is one ball on the ground itself. Thus the grand total is 45". Question Answered !!

Sometimes there is extra time of 2 mins which is the referee's balls!

[millionairemind]

This football joke is funny!!!

[Aspellian]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in their jobs.
_____________________________

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet, "which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough... .
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit... .
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield... .
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear... .
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud... .
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick..
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative... .
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield... ..
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing... .
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums... .
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit... .
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last... ... ... ... ... ...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[millionairemind]

Interviewing crazy

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

“Tell me,” said he, “if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?’

The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”

“Marvelous,” said the head of the institution.

“Or else,” ruminated the inmate. “I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.”

“Absolutely,” said the head.

“Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.”

“An interesting possibility,” said the head.

“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.”

[millionairemind]

Weekend is here... sit back and relax

Actors picking parts

A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.

Stallone says “I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart”

So the Director says, “Very well, you can be Mozart” Then he turns to Arnie and says “Arnie, who would you like to play ?”

And Arnie says “Ah’ll be Bach!”

[millionairemind]

The English language

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn’t canine.

English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, two meese? Is cheese the plural of choose? One mouse, 2 mice. One louse, 2 lice. One house, 2 hice?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on. You get in and out of a car, yet you get on and off a bus. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it? (Author unknown)