Smile & Laugh 04 (Nov 09 - Jan 10)

[millionairemind]

Japanese Banking Disasters

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of
stopping. If anything, it’s getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing
that Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its
branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a
song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500
back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is
something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw
deal.

[millionairemind]

Marriage Requirements

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign
ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The
ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that
he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her
boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him
down easy.
“I’ll only marry you under three conditions.”

“Anything, anything,” said the ambassador.

“First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond,
along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement.”

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his
personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, “Yes, yes, I buy, I
buy!”

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a
more difficult situation.

“Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the
Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of Italy.”

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York,
then called another broker in Italy, and after his quick conversation, he said,
“Yes, yes, I build, I build!”

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request
that would be impossible to live up to.

“Finally,” she said. “I’ll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis.”

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After
weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted
his head and said, “Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!”

[millionairemind]

Subject: Trip to Beijing

One day, the boss of a MNC told his secretary, ‘Two days later, accompany me to Beijing.’

The secretary called her husband and said, ‘Two days later, I'll be going to Beijing for a meeting.’

The husband called his secret lover and said, ‘For the next few days, my wife will be out of town. Baby, come to my place. We’ve fun.’

The secret lover called her primary school student and said, ‘Ah boy, for the next two to four days, I’m busy. You may enjoy your holiday.’

The student called his grandfather and said, ‘Ah Kong, my tuition teacher took off and I’ve two days holiday. Can you come and play with me?’

The grandfather called his secretary and said, ‘Cancel the trip to Beijing. I’ve to play with my grandson.’

The secretary called her husband and said, ‘Beijing's meeting has cancelled.'

Her husband called his secret lover and said, ‘My wife’ business trip to Beijing has cancelled. You don't have to come to my place..’

The secret lover called her student and said, ‘Ah Boy. Class not cancel.’

The student called his grandpa, ‘Ah Kong, my teacher just called and she said class not cancel. So, you don’t have to come.’

The Grandfather called his secretary again and said, ‘I think it’s a wise idea to go Beijing…’

[millionairemind]

Better relationship

A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”

“What’s the problem?” the docotor inquired.

“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”

“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.

“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”

“So, what’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.

[millionairemind]

Promoting an office

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found a small wooden board so he had split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho-
the-
rapist.

[millionairemind]

Blonde Kidnapper

Once upon a time when a Blonde was hard up for money, she decided to kidnap a child. So the next day she goes to a nearby playground and when nobody is looking, she pulls a random kid behind a tree and says, “You’re kidnapped, so be quiet and don’t give me any trouble.” The little boy, too startled to do anything stands there in shock. The Blonde then pulls out a note that reads:

I am a desperate Blonde hard up for money. I have kidnapped you kid and if you ever want to see him again you arrange for 5,000 dollars in non-sequencial, unmarked bills to be put next to this tree by 12:00 tonight, or else.

She hands the note to the kid and tells him to give it to his mother. The next day the Blonde finds the bag of money next to the tree. Inside the bag is a little note that reads:

Here is the money. How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?

[Aspellian]

Teacher: Ah Kau, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ah Kau: $10.
Teacher: You don't know Maths.
Ah Kau: You don't know my father la!

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum.
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But but but... .I will only get my report card tomorrow
Mother: I know that, but I'm going Hong Kong tomorrow so I'm scolding you now.

Father: Why did you fail your Mathematics Test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3 + 5 = 8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4 + 4 = 8. On Wednesday, she said 6 + 2 = 8.
If she can't make up her mind, how I know the right answer one

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear.
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No la, mine is undying love only! !!!

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: Same as me la.
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He only became a father when I born lo !!!

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Simon: No la, teacher. It's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I tell you she's no good!

Teacher: Where were you born?
Student: Singapore , Sir.
Teacher: Which part?
Student: All of me ma... .

[Aspellian]

RENT FOR APARTMENT

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:

'Dear Madam,
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

"Dear Sir,
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.'

[millionairemind]

Hilarious local jokes

What a great way to start the day

[millionairemind]

Subject: Sperm count
A 75 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous
day..

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's
like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'