Smile & Laugh 03 (Apr 09 - Oct 09)

[millionairemind]

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
--------------------------------
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
--------------------------------
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn't a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, "The first one was a girl."

The mother: "What did you name her?!?"

Brother: "Denise!"

The Mom: "Oh, wow, that's not bad! What about the second one?"

Brother: "The second one was a boy."

The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"

Brother: "Denephew."
--------------------------
Are You Ready to Have Kids?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

[millionairemind]

Ah Lian Wants to Buy Stockings
In a shop one day…

Ah Lian: “Eh Ah Chek (Uncle), you got sell stocking up to knee?”

Ah Chek : “Pretty girl. You siao ah?! (You crazy?!) Stocking wear up to ‘yeo’ (waist) only, where got up to the ‘nee’ (breast) one.”

[millionairemind]

Ah Beng bought a new mobile. He sent a message to everyone from his Phone Book & said, ‘My Mobile No. Has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310. Now it is 6610′

Ah Beng : I am a Proud, coz my son is in Medical College.
Friend: Really, what is he studying.
Ah Beng: No, he is not studying, they are studying him.

Ah Beng : Doctor, in my dreams, I play football every night.
DR: Take this tablet, you will be ok.
Ah Beng : Can I take tomorrow, tonight is final game.

Ah Beng : If I die, will u remarry?
Wife: No! I’ll stay with my sister. But if I die will u remarry?
Ah Beng : No, I’ll also stay with your sister.

Ah Beng : People consider me as a ‘GOD’
Wife: How do you know??
Ah Beng : When I went to the Park today, everybody said, Oh GOD! U have come again.

Ah Beng complained to the police: ‘Sir, all items are missing, except the TV in my house.’
Police: ‘How the thief did not take TV?’
Ah Beng : ‘I was watching TV news…’

Ah Beng comes back to his car & find a note saying ‘Parking Fine’. He writes a note and sticks it to a pole ‘Thanks for the complement.’

How do you recognize Ah Beng in School? He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.

One day Ah Beng was walking with a glove on one hand and not on other. So the man asked him why he did so. He replied that the weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it would be hot.

Ah Beng in a bar and his cellular phone rings. He picks it up and says ‘Hello, how did you know I was here?’

Ah Beng : Why are all these people running?

Man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup
Ah Beng: If only the winner will get the cup, why others running?

Teacher: ‘I killed a person’ convert this sentence into future tense
Ah Beng: The future tense is ‘you will go to jail’

Ah Beng told his servant: ‘Go and water the plants!’
Servant: ‘It’s already raining.’
Ah Beng : ‘So what? Take an umbrella and go.’

A man asked Ah Beng why Najib goes walking in the evening and not in the morning. Ah Beng replied Najib is PM not AM.

[millionairemind]

NATIONAL DAY SPECIAL: 60 SIGNS YOU’RE A TRUE SINGAPOREAN
by Kway Png

It’s not enough if you pay taxes or carry a pink IC. To commemorate National Day, TalkingCock.com brings you a checklist to see how Singaporean you really are.

1. Thanks to SMS, you have an extra large thumb.

2. Tks 2 SMS, u oso dun no how 2 spel n e mor.

3. You pat MRT and bus seats to cool them before you sit down.

4. At lunch, you start discussing what to eat for dinner.

5. Your wedding photos include shots of you dressed up like Louis XIV, Michael Jackson, or Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in Titanic.

6. When speaking to foreigners, you somehow feel a need to adopt an accent. (If you’re a DJ, this happens even when you’re not speaking to foreigners.)

7. You won’t raise your voice to protest policies, but you’ll raise your fists to whack someone over Hello Kitty.

8. You’re forever talking about businesses you want to set up but will probably never get around to starting.

9. You don’t know ¾ of the people attending your wedding.

10. You separate food into 2 basic groups: ‘heaty’ and ‘cooling’.

11. You’re never completely sure how many times you’ve sung the second verse of the National Anthem.

12. You think that what makes you ‘married’ is not the legal registration but whether you’ve thrown a 12 course dinner.

13. You marry for the real estate breaks.

14. You have kids for the tax advantages.

15. You move to where you want your child to go to school.

16. You feel you can’t walk around naked in your own flat.

17. You force your children to take Speech & Drama classes, but pray they won’t wind up in Arts later on.

18. You suddenly realize you’re very interested in biotech - just like you suddenly realized three years ago that you were very interested in e-commerce, and before that, engineering, and before that, medicine and law.

19. You think being an entrepreneur is setting up a bubble tea/Portuguese egg tart/gao luck/porridge shop right next to an existing bubble tea/Portuguese egg tart/gao luck/porridge shop.

20. You think people are inconsiderate when they don’t leave their table immediately after eating at the food court but think you have every right to take 25 bites to finish the last red bean in your ice kachang.

21. You find it impossible to make suggestions without drawing a fishbone chart first.

22. If you’re a guy, whenever you get together with your guy friends, you invariably trade army stories.

23. If you’re a girl, whenever you get together with your girl friends, you invariably trade stories about how your stupid guy friends are forever trading army stories.

24. You think the most important sporting event in Singapore this year was David Beckham switching from Manchester United to Real Madrid.

25. You somehow feel that food tastes better when eaten by a longkang.

26. It actually makes a difference to you being called an ‘NSMan’ rather than a ‘Reservist’.

27. You’ve eaten more times at the Esplanade than you’ve actually seen shows there.

28. You need campaigns to tell you how to be courteous, to flush toilets, have sex, etc.

29. When you visit the Zoo, you wonder what the animals taste like.

30. You feel the urge to add the suffix ‘-polis’ to everything, viz. Biopolis, Airtropolis, Fusionopolis, Entrepolis, etc.

31. You always feel oddly hungry at 11 pm, and are willing to drive to far away places for supper.

32. You meet in hotels a lot.

33. Your children have a rudimentary knowledge of Tagalog or Bahasa Indonesia.

34. You work at McDonald’s when you’re old rather than young.

35. You’ll gladly spend $50,000 on a car, but will go to great lengths to save a few bucks on ERP charges or even a few cents on a parking coupon.

36. Pork floss and mayonnaise on bread is a completely natural combination to you.

37. If you’re pregnant, you have the strange ability to make people on the MRT fall asleep instantly.

38. You ask for the bill by miming a signing movement.

39. You’ve started referring to foreign employees as ‘talent’ instead of ‘expatriates’.

40. At the dinner table, you’re always discussing which other food places serve better versions of what you’re eating.

41. You copy down licence plate numbers of cars involved in accidents.

42. You think your boyfriend doesn’t really love you unless he gives you part of his liver.

43. During sales, you book hotel rooms near malls to enable you to shop more efficiently.

44. You pronounce the letter ‘R’ as ‘ah-rer’ and the letter ‘H’ as ‘haytch’.

45. No matter how old you are, you keep associating people with their secondary schools. (alternative: No matter how old you are, you secretly need to know what other people got for their PSLE, O levels and A levels.)

46. You’re always on a quest for the definitive version of your favourite local dish.

47. When you explain things to people, you keep (a) using alphabets, and (b) speaking in point form.

48. You believe that you can generate ‘creativity’ through rules and committees.

49. You ‘chope’ a seat by placing a packet of tissues on the chair.

50. You’re very forthright with your criticisms of the Gahmen, unless there’s a chance they might actually hear you.

51. You diligently track the whereabouts of your favourite hawkers, i.e..you know that the famous Tiong Bahru Bao is now in Jurong, the famous Outram Char Kuay Teow is now in Hong Lim Centre and the famous Lau Hock Kien Hokkien mee from the old Lau Pa Sat is now at Beach Road.

52. Your mother probably can’t speak your ‘mother tongue’.

53. You’d rather drink your own pee than pay someone more for water.

54. You secretly find that the best part of the Speak Good English Movement is hearing the Singlish bits in their ads.

55. You have an automatic sensor in your head which categorizes people you meet into stayer/ quitter, cosmopolitan/heartlander, normal/ express/ gifted, etc.

56. You think we’re living in a modern, sophisticated country even when our leaders still insist on wearing their school uniforms.

57. You wish your constituency is in a walkover, because otherwise it’s damn ‘leceh’.

58. During elections, you decide that there is no credible opposition even though you don’t know the name of the opposition candidate in your constituency.

59. You think having a constitution is like the condition you get when you don’t eat enough fibre.

60. You can never quite remember what “the core values” of Singaporeans are.

[millionairemind]

50 Ways to Know You Grew Up in the 1980s in Singapore

1. You grew up watching He-man, Transformers, Silverhawk, Ultraman, Super Friends, Woody WoodPecker, Tom & Jerry, Care Bears, My Little Pony, Smurfs and Mickey Mouse. Not to forget, maybe Ninja turtles too.

2. You grew up brushing your teeth with a mug in primary school during recess time. You would squat by a drain with all your classmates beside you, and brush your teeth with a colored mug. The teachers said you must brush each side ten times. Not forgetting the silly red tablet which you know not the purpose for.

3. You know what SBC stands for.

4. You know in school, you could subscribe to get the milk which would come before you go back home. Some days you would get chocolate milk, other days strawberry. The old Magnolia fresh milk came in a triangular packet.

5. You were there when the first Chinese serial, The Awakening was shown on TV.

6. Everyone in class would tremble in fear when someone with a gauze stuck in the mouth came to your class and called out a name to go visit the school dentist.

7. You find your friends with pagers and handphone cool in secondary school.

8. SBS buses used to be non-airconditioned. The bus seats were made of wood and the cushion was red. The big red bell gave a loud BEEEP when pressed. There were colorful tickets for CSS buses. The conductor would check tickets using a machine that punched a hole in each ticket. All SBS buses used to be manually operated, with a gigantic gearstick to the left of the driver.

9. Your favorite actor and actress were Huang Wenyong and Xiang Yun. Next were Li Nanxing and Zoe Tay and the Aiyoyo woman (Chen Liping).

10. You’ve probably read Young Generation magazine. You know who’s Vinny the Little Vampire and Constable Acai. For some, cikgu will always ask to buy the “Dewan Bahasa” magazine.

11. You were there when they first introduced MRT here (Yio Chu Kang to Toa Payoh). You went for the first ride with your parents and you would kneel on the seat to see the scenery.

12. Movie tickets used to cost only $3.50. Tickets were scrawled across using big red pencils. Ushers brought you into the cinemas using big metallic torchlights.

13. Gals were fascinated by Strawberry Short Cake and Barbie Dolls. You also collected sticker books of Street Fighter, The Semi-Pro Soccer League (for boys) and care bears (for girls) by Panini, trying to complete the impossible task of filling up each sticker book.

14. You remember some taxis were green in color. Taxis had gearsticks behind the steering wheel, with a transparent knob and little colorful flowers inside the knobs.

15. You longed to buy tidbits called Kaka (20 cents per pack), and Ding Dang (50 cents per box), that had a toy in it and it changes every week. Not forgetting the 15-cent animal crackers and the ringpop, where the lollipop is the diamond on the ring.

16. You watched TV2 (also known as Channel 10) cartoons because Channel 5 never had enough cartoons for you.

17. All that you know about Cantonese is from the Hong Kong serials you watched on TV2. You probably would remember George Lam as the moustached man whose line was “Are you OK?” in the Guiness Stout Advertisement.

18. You grew up reading ladybird books. Hardy Boys, Nancy Drew, The Three Investigators, Famous Five and Secret Seven were probably the thickest story books you ever thought you had. Even Sweet Valley High and Malory Towers. You also love Enid Blyton’s Enchanted Wood, Magic Faraway tree…

19. The only food you bought from McDonalds was the fish fillet burger and French fries as it wasn’t halal back then and your parents didn’t allow you to buy other stuff.

20. KFC used to be a high class place that let you use metal forks and knives.

21. The most vulgar thing you said was “*******” and “idiot”… you just couldn’t bring yourself to say the Hokkien relative.

22. Catching was the “in” thing (a.k.a. Police and Thief) and twist or “choap” was the magic word. For those who always frequented the void decks, there was the “rumah dayak”, Octopus and “Goli Duit”.

23. Your English workbook was made of some poor quality paper that was smooth and yellow. And the textbooks were striped in different colors for different levels.

24. Some part of your school was ALWAYS haunted, like the toilet or clock tower or a certain block. You walk fast to avoid them.

25. The only computer lessons in school involved funny pixel characters in 16 colors walking about trying to teach you math. You printed with noisy dot matrix printers and used computer paper with two rows of holes at the sides. Mouse? What’s that?

26. Waterbottles, with your favorite cartoon character on it, were slung around your neck and a must everywhere you go.

27. Boys loved to play soccer with small tennis balls in the basketball court.

28. Hopscotch, five stones, chapteh and zero point were all the rage with the girls and boys too… Remember 5 times, highest, one-inch…

28. Science was fun with the balsam and the angsana being the most important plants of our lives. Remember the “Young Scientist” badge you got when you completed the set of tasks in written on the blue booklet for “Young Ecologist”, “Young Botanist”, etc? The first excursion to the Science Centre was the best day of your life.

29. Who could forget Ahmad, Bala, Gopal, Sumei, Peihua and John, eternalised in the textbooks. Even Mr. Wolly, Mr. Yakki.

31. You did stupid exercises like seal crawl and frog jumps.

32. Every Children’s Day and National Day you either get pencils or pens printed with “Happy Children’s Day 1983″ or dumb files printed with “Happy National Day 1984″.

33. In Primary Six you had to play buddy for the younger kids like big sister and brother.

34. There was an ACES day where you would get this stupid hat and do the Great Singapore Workout.

35. The Scouts used to wear shorts, and the NCC uniform was a plain green color without camouflage.

36. The worksheets were made of rough brown paper of poor quality. During art and craft classes, you had to make your own art folio using a vanguard sheet.

37. You went to school in slippers and a raincoat when it rained, and you find a dry spot in the school to sit and wipe yourself dry. Then you wear your dry and warm socks and shoes.

38. During National Day, you would have to do and decorate your own shakers, usually using a cassette tape container, or an empty aluminium can with green beans inside all taped up and decorated with white and red paper. Who can forget the all-time favorite recorder you played during music lessons?

39. After exams, you brought Game & Watch to school, and played card games like “Snap”, “Donkey” and “Old Maid”. You also played pick-up sticks and Snakes & Ladders and the aeroplane board game. Those erasers with the flags were also a popular game. Either that or you would play those cards comparing aeroplanes, warships, or tanks - who had more firepower or speed or weight, etc.

40. You remember your uncles, big brothers and father screaming and shouting in front of the TV when the Singapore soccer team (always in blue jerseys) played against the Malaysians.

41. Your friends considered you lucky and rich if your parents gave you $3 or more for pocket money everyday.

42. During class gatherings, parents always tag along in case someone gets lost at Orchard Road.
43. You freak out when the teacher tells you to line up according to height and hold hands with the corresponding boy or girl.

44. Handkerchiefs were a must for both genders

45. Collecting notebooks, erasers and all kinds of stationery was a popular thing. The bookshop was a favorite place to go to get all those stuff during recess.

46. Autograph books were loaded with “Best Wishes”, “Forget Me Not”, and little poems like “Birds fly high, hard to catch. Friends like you, hard to forget”.

47. Class monitors and prefects loved to say “You talk somemore, I write your name ah!”

48. You remember songs sung by a huge group of people, like 4U2C, Feminin, Nico (Malay) and the English “We Are The World”. In secondary school, you listened to Bananarama, Jason Donavan, Kylie Minogue, New Kids on the Block, ABBA, and Tommy Page (Remember “A Shoulder to Cry On“?)

49. Large, colorful schoolbags were carried. And fanciful pencil cases with lots of small tiny drawers, trays, sharpener or thermometer that pop out at the push of a button were the “in” thing.

50. You brought every single book to school, even though there was one thing called the timetable, written on the inside cover of your little blue notebook.

[kennynah]

how singaporeans really are :

a) Marikita is a substitute word for an erection
b) After "O"/"A" levels, they cant finish saying the national pledge without invariably repeating same lines endlessly
c) when macdonald's become substitute school reading rooms
d) meeting a friend at the cinema and asking "watching movie"?
e) when great buddies are "brudders and sistas"
f) when greeting long lost friends is "very long never poke you already"
g) when it is fine to eat lunches and dinners on alternate days so they can swim in their condo pools
h) think everyone must have a pair of bermudas
i) driving 40km to/fro JB to refuel their gas tanks and buy groceries just so there's no GST
j) purposely showing the checkpoint immigration officers that the cigarette box is empty
k) SDN was set up to tell young adult singaporeans when, how and with whom to have sex with
l) think setting up casinos is ok, as long as they have family themed parks surrounding them
m) call neighbourhood police post becos neighbour play mahjong after 10pm during weekdays
n) call neighbourhood police post becos neighbour's TV too loud after 10pm during weekdays
o) call neighbourhood police post becos neighbour's radio too loud after 10pm during weekdays
p) call neighbourhood police post becos neighbour talking too loud after 10pm during weekdays
q) call neighbourhood police post becos neighbour having loud sex after 10pm during weekdays
r) call neighbourhood police post becos upstairs neighbour's laundry dripping wet
s) call neighbourhood police post becos downstairs neighbour's aircon caused condensation on floor
t) call neighbourhood police post becos a fingernail broke
u) believe that talking while eating can cause indigestion
v) believe that we wear white coloured clothings to show patriotism
w) believe that without current ruling party, the country will disintegrate
x) if there is no queue at hawker stall, the food must be lousy
y) will stand in queue for 45 mins for a plate of famous char kway teow
z) to everything that doesnt please, kpkb

[iam802]

how singaporeans really are :

n) call neighbourhood police post becos neighbour's TV too loud after 10pm during weekdays

This one classic case that I know (landed property some more).

Neighbour A complain about Neighbour B about their Karaoke KTV volume.

Except Neighbour B is VERY wealthy (don't need to work and have enough money to last a few generations).

Hidden Content:

So, B said to A, "Don't like the volume.... don't rent from me !"

[kennynah]

corollary to above :-

how singaporeans are :

a) those very rich, talk very loud.... wahahahahaha
b) and those with some money ... shout.....

[millionairemind]

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who is the oldest?
The blonde, because she's 18.

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
Write "Please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.

How to trouble a blonde:
Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool!!!

Why did the blonde tell her Pastor under no circumstances would she have more than three children?
Because she heard that 1 out of 4 children born in the world is Chinese.

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
The power went out for 5 hours leaving twelve blondes stranded on their way to the second floor on the escalator.

[millionairemind]

After completing a jigsaw puzzle
he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.

"FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.

"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS".

-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------

At a bar in New York , the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".

The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"

Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"