Smile & Laugh 03 (Apr 09 - Oct 09)

[kennynah]

MM : how come you always joke about Blondes ah? i am curious

[millionairemind]

haha... no la.. they are easy targets...

I oso post Ah Bengs and Ah Lian jokes...

Depends on what I find every day when I google...

Hopefully don't offend any blondes here.

[kennynah]

Hopefully don't offend any blondes here.

they wont know it...

[millionairemind]

Hopefully don't offend any blondes here.

they wont know it...

[millionairemind]

Ah Beng Hot Shot

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.

That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.

Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself.

"Aim..."

"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

[millionairemind]

Where are you from?

Man : Where are you from?

Woman : U.S.A

Man : Are you here on vacation?

Woman : No lah! I'm here for lunch.

Man : What!!! All the way from United States of America!!!

Woman : No lah! Upper Serangoon Avenue.

Man : !!@#$%

[millionairemind]

Finance Department Cost Cutting Measures

To: All Staff,

As you know, the realities of the downturn have hit home and I am forced to introduce the following cost-cutting measures to help shore up our beloved company.

I know you will understand that the pain is temporary and the gains will be there for all of us to reap when the company comes through these difficult times stronger… and ready to ride the next big wave.

So with immediate effect, all staff will be required to adhere to the following:

1. The cups on the two vending machines are to be recycled. Annabelle has already serialised them.

2. Sabbatical leave: Executives booked for New York will now go to Kukup in Johor Bahru instead. Senior executives can go further - up to Yong Peng.

3. Our chalet lease in Pulau Ubin has ended. However, as the management takes a keen interest in staff welfare, we have arranged with Francis (from Admin Dept) to rent out one of his rooms at Blk 923, Pasir Ris Drive. His flat was chosen for its proximity to the sea and you can still see Ubin from the window.

4. Entertainment claims: Staff will be required to go for a 30-min demonstration by Raj from Finance Dept, who will show you how to withdraw your credit card slowly from your wallet (58 secs), so that others at a business lunch will inadvertently beat you to it when the bill comes.

5. The Valentine's Day white chocolates (Deluxeur) which I gave out in January : Those of you who have yet to open the box, please return them (expiry date: Dec 2009).

6. Monthly Best Employee Award : The $1000 cash award will now be replaced by a box of Deluxeur white chocolates.

7. Annual Best Employee Award : The 14-day Disneyland/Hawaii tour and solid gold Rolex Oyster watch will be replaced by TWO boxes of Deluxeur white chocolates.

8. Medical: The Oxfordshire-Hopkins Medical Group will no more be on our panel. Annabelle will give you the address of Hong Tong Hong Medical Hall in Sungei Road. Bring you company pass for a 10% discount.

9. Country Club Memberships : Senior executives must return their membership cards to Annabelle, who will then register your name with Bishan Community Centre.

10. Transport Allowance : No reduction of rate! However, it will be paid on alternate months.

11. Gifts for clients : New choices. The Bohemian Crystal list will be replaced by the one from 7-eleven.

12. Annual Dinner & Dance : No change (March 20, yay!), but the venue is switched from The Ritz-Carlton to the void deck of Annabelle's flat in Ang Mo Kio Avenue 10.

13. Bonus : This time, staff welfare comes first! Instead of the usual amount, we raised it up to $2 million. Each employee will be given a Singapore Sweep ticket. The draw is on March 5.

From:
Chief Financial Officer

[Aspellian]

Ah Beng Hot Shot

During the Japanese Occupation, 3 Singaporeans, Ah Meng, Ah Seng and Ah Beng were caught for smuggling. They were sentenced to death by firing squad.

That night, Ah Meng came up with a plan. He told the others that the Japanese were afraid of natural disasters. So he would cause them to panic, and escape in the confusion.

The next morning, Ah Meng was led to the wall. The firing squad was lined up and the Captain commanded, "Ready.. Aim..", but before he could complete, Ah Meng shouted, " Earthquake!! Earthquake!" The Japanese soldiers panicked and Ah Meng made his escape.

Later, the soldiers took Ah Seng out and the firing squad were ready. The captain commanded, "Ready... Aim..." This time Ah Seng shouted. " Flood! Flood!!" Again, the Japanese soldiers panicked and this time, Ah Seng made his escape.

Observing all this, Ah Beng began to get the idea. "It's important to get the timing right."

Soon, it was Ah Beng's turn. "Timing, that's the key.." Ah Beng kept saying to himself. The soldiers lined up in front of him. The captain started, "Ready..."

"Timing," Ah Beng thought to himself.

"Aim..."

"Okay," thought Ah Beng, and shouted, " FIRE!!! FIRE!!! "

super funny!!!!!!!!

[millionairemind]

Sounds like Cow to me

Overheard in an English class.
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother"
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay & Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)"
The teacher fainted.

Now Hear This!

Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.

The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!"

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

"But.. what happened to the other ear?"

"That stoopid dumbo called back!"

Not Rated

Why did Ah Beng go to a R(A) movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 was not allowed.

Totally Defenceless

Two Hokkien pengs, Ah Beng and Ah Seng, got promoted from privates to corporals.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Ah Beng says, "Eh, Seng ah, there's the NCO Club. Let's go inside and togo."

"But we all is plivate only, mah," protests Ah Seng.

"No, we all is copler now," says Ah Beng, pulling him inside.

Once inside the pub, Ah Beng says, "Okay, let's order some beer and togo!"

"But we all is plivate!" says Ah Seng.

"Piang eh, you cannot see, meh?" says Ah Beng, pointing to his stripes. "We all is copler now!"

After leaving the NCO club, Ah Beng and Ah Seng go to Geylang.

There, Ah Beng whistles at a hooker, but the hooker says, "Sorry, hor. Tonight cannot because I got gonorrhea."

Ah Beng pulls Ah Seng to the side and say, "Eh, you go and check the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. It it's okay, give me the okay sign."

Ah Seng goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Ah Beng a big thumbs-up.

Three weeks later, Ah Beng is in the hospital with a severe case of gonorrhea.

"Ni na beh," he scolds Ah Seng. "Why you tell me it's okay?"

"Not my fault!" says Ah Seng. "In the dictionary, it says gonorrhea affects the privates."

Then he points to his stripes: "But we is copler now, mah!"

[millionairemind]

Did you hear about the blonde who plugged her power strip back into itself to save electricity?

Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
Because she was trying to make up her mind.

When a blonde working at the local Taco Bell was asked to put minimal lettuce on an order she replied, "I'm sorry, we only have iceberg."

What do you get when you put seven blondes in a freezer?
Frosted Flakes

A blonde was driving down the highway when she read a sign saying, "Clean Restrooms Next 10 Miles." She was really late for her appointment since there were 26 restrooms to clean.

While waiting at a cross walk for the light to change, a blonde asked why the signal was buzzing. When she was told that it was to let blind people know when the light was red, she replied, "What in the world are blind people doing driving?"