Smile & Laugh 09 (Sep 12 - May 13)

[winston]

Dollies

When a woman got married she put a shoebox in the closet and told her husband not to open it.

After over 50 years of marriage she was dying and told him to open the box.

When he opened it there were 2 doilies and $85,000.00.

He ask why this was in the box. She replied “when I got married, my mother told me to crochet a doily every time I got mad at you.

He smile thinking she was only mad twice and ask what the $85,000.00 was. She replied that's the money from selling the doilies.

[winston]

Shingles

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. "

The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

[winston]

Hearing

Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon.

After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?”.

Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while.

He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?”.

Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.

[winston]

Dog

One day, a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man, with a nice looking dog.

He goes over to the man and asks: 'does your dog bite?'

The old man replies 'No never'.

When the man bends down to stroke the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand.

The man says 'I thought you said your dog did not bite!

'I did' replies the old man but this isn't my dog!'

[winston]

Grandpa

Three young boys were boasting about their grandpas.

The first boy said: "My grandpa is a great swimmer. He can swim for hours before getting out of the water!".

The second boy said, "That's nothing. My grandpa always goes swimming at 6:00 in the morning every day, and only comes back at 9:00 pm because my mom says he has to!".

The third boy says, "Your grandpas are both bad at swimming! My grandpa started swimming in this pond 20 years ago, and he hasn't come out since!!!"

[winston]

This police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time so after driving next to her for awhile he yells to her,"PULLOVER".

She replies,"No a pair of socks".

[winston]

Mother

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.

Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!".

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" .

He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[winston]

Genie

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand.

He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.

The genie said,” I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."

The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF!

Next he wished for a Ferrari red in color. POOF! There was the car sitting in front of him.

He asked for his final wish, " I wish I was irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.

[winston]

Cordless Phone

In 1997 at the age of 87 and not acquainted with modern technology, Ruth was given a "cordless" phone by her son.

He lived 1500 miles away.

After setting it up and showing her how to use it he went home and called her. "How is your new phone working, Mom."

Her reply astonished him. "Oh we took it back. It wouldn't work. It did not even have a cord."

[winston]

Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw them fish three times a day.