Smile & Laugh 07 (Oct 11 - Mar 12)

[kennynah]

good one

Bed

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.

Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.

I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.

Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.

“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

[tonylim]

A Beautiful story........

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high."

[kennynah]

Tony another good one ... Hahaha

this lawyer behaves just like those pigs.. S$1k/mth salary can afford to buy 2rm flat

[tonylim]

This is what they are trained to be.

[winston]

Highway Signs

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow.

The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.

“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”

[winston]

Drinking & Driving

Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[winston]

What did the tired chess player do?

He took the knight off

[winston]

Beer

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.

No further testing is planned.

[kennynah]

hehe...good one

Beer

Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn’t drive.

No further testing is planned.

[winston]

Burglar

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar, who broke into his house the night before.

‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ says the desk sergeant.

‘No, no, no! says the man. ‘I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!’