Smile & Laugh 05 (Feb 10 - Jul 10)

[tonylim]

tony...have a safe and enjoyable trip "see you" when you return...

thanks for sharing these hilarious jokes

Kenny,

Thanks. Hope to have more to share.

Good luck.

[millionairemind]

Arab son sends an e-mail to his Dad saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad,

I am bit ashamed to arrive to my college in my Gold Mercedes, when all
My Teachers travel by train.

Your Son
Nasser

Sometime later Nasser gets reply to his e-mail from his Dad:

Loving son,

Twenty Million Dollars transferred to your account, please stop
embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too.

Your Dad

CHEERS!

[profittaker]

Finalists from a "Dilbert Quotes" contest, with quotes from real-life Dilbert-type managers:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)

2. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company )

4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

5. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

6. "My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." (CIO of Dell Computers)

7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards)

12. And the winner!! As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo in one of the sentences I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later, a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

[millionairemind]

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A man walked into the produce section of a Florida Publix supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some a**@#$*e wants to buy a half head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he....added,"And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "

Kentucky, sir." the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Kentucky?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and basketball players up there."

"Really?" said the manager, "My wife is from Kentucky."

"No kidding?", replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[kennynah]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

hahahaha.....good one....wahahahaha...

[tonylim]

TWO PLASTIC BAGS


A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the side

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."


"Oh really? Darn it!" said the little old lady.

"I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer."

Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.

On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?

So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.

Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say,

'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes!'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[winston]

Gynaecologist's Assistant

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in London and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.

The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies.

"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's a starting annual salary of £85,000, but you're going to have to go to Glasgow ."

"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.

"No," replied the assistant, "that's where the end of the queue is."

[millionairemind]

Have you heard that they are making Part II of the INCEPTION movie starring Steve Jobs called RECEPTION??

[Cheng]

Have you heard that they are making Part II of the INCEPTION movie starring Steve Jobs called RECEPTION??

Wahahahaha! That's a good one!

[iam802]

Do you know that you can buy Uranium Ore at Amazon?



http://www.amazon.com/Uranium-Ore/dp/B000796XXM/

And...some of the reviews are just hilarious

So glad I don't have to buy this from Libyans in parking lots at the mall anymore.

I bought this to power a home-made submarine that I use to look for prehistoric-era life forms in land-locked lakes around my home town in Alaska. At first I wasn't sure if this item would (or could) arrive via mail, but I was glad to see it showed up with no problems. Well, almost no problems.

Unfortuantly my mom opened my mail, because she does not respect people's privacy. She was pretty upset to see Uranium Ore. After a long argument and me running away from home again, she finaly stopped being such an idiot and I was able to get back to work.

The quality of this Uranium is on par with the stuff I was bying from the Libyans over at the mall parking lot, but at half the price! I just hope the seller does not run out, because I have many projects on my list including a night vision sasquatch radar, an electromagnetic chupakabra cage, a high velocity, aerial, weighted Mothman net and super heated, instant grill cheese sandwhich maker.

Other notables include the cross-selling items under "Customers Who Viewed This Item Also Viewed"