Smile & Laugh 09 (Sep 12 - May 13)

[behappyalways]

日本女生"气功波"自拍爆红 短裙美腿亮点多(组图)
http://www.wenxuecity.com/news/2013/04/02/2318777.html

[winston]

How can I get into Heaven ?

A Sunday school teacher asked the children in her class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would I get into Heaven?"

"No!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into Heaven?"

Again the answer was "No!"

"Well", she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"

[winston]

Groans greet Singapore PM’s sharing of jokes about China

Singapore Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong zoomed in on China’s pollution woes as he shared a few popular jokes in a speech at a function during his visit to Washington.

In an after-dinner speech to US businessmen, Lee made a couple of jokes that could pass for stand-up comedy. He drew laughs _ and some groans _ with his quips.

“Beijing residents joke that to get a free smoke all they have to do is open their windows!’’ Lee said.

He then alluded to thousands of pig carcasses recently fished from China’s rivers. “[In] Shanghai, if you want some pork soup, you just turn on the tap,’’ he said.

His audience appeared doubtful if that was good taste, until he added: “That's their joke, not mine!’’

Source: AP

[winston]

A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"

The trainer replied; “Use the ATM outside the gym!"

[winston]

Potrait

A woman decided to have her portrait painted.

She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband.

I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

[winston]

Wedding

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?".

"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained.

"And today is the happiest day in her life."

The child thought about this for a moment.

"So why is the groom wearing black?".

[winston]

Pen

During the initial space flights, Nasa discovered that biro pens didn’t work under zero gravity conditions.

To beat the problem, Nasa spent 6 years and $2 million in designing a pen for use in space.

The pen would work under zero gravity conditions due to the pressurized ink inside, it would work under sub zero conditions, underwater, on glass and virtually any surface known to man.

The Russians used a pencil.

[winston]

Mugging

Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!"

"In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

[winston]

Living Will

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.

[winston]

Anytime you see a young man open a car door for his girlfriend, either the car is new or the girlfriend is.