Smile & Laugh 07 (Oct 11 - Mar 12)

[kennynah]

definitely something wrong

If a man is in the forest, talking to himself, with no woman around, is he still wrong?

[winston]

Wagon

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

[iam802]

[winston]

Skeletons

Q: How does an archeologist tell a male skeleton from a female skeleton?

A: He knows it’s a female skeleton if the jawbone is worn down.

[iam802]

Ads placed in the right place at the wrong time?

[winston]

Sky-diving

A skydiver is enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute, he pulls the ripcord, but nothing happens.

“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.

Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” He thinks. “I’m a goner.”

Just then, he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing, but he says to himself, “I hope he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m in real trouble.”

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The man coming up cups his hands and yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

[winston]

Restaurant

A young man just had his first customer, which turned out to be a BIG BURLY truck driver.

The young man walked up to the table where the truck driver was sitting and asked; can I take your order sir? The truck driver replied, sure kid.

I want three flat tires and two headlights. The young man was very puzzled and said, I beg your pardon?

The truck driver said again, look kid; I want three flat tires and two headlights. The young man was still puzzled, but replied; yes sir, whatever.

The young man then took the request to his boss who was the head cook. He told him about the truck driver's order, and that he wanted three flat tires and two headlights, “I think he's in the wrong place.”

The head cook said, I know what he wants, he wants three flap jacks and two eggs sunny side up; the truck driver is just trying to be smart, I know him.

The cook said to the waiter here, take this bowl of beans, give it to him and say this.

The truck driver said, Listen kid, I didn't order this; I said I wanted three flat tires and two headlights. The waiter replied, Well sir, the head cook said while you wait for your parts, you can gas up!

[winston]

Doctor's Appointment

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. “I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”

“But I could be dead by then!”

“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”

[tonylim]

Fanny Green

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. 'Go and say ten Hail Mary's.'

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous red-headed woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes.'

[winston]

Bed

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble.

Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.

I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.

Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.

“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Jay never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street.

“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”