Smile & Laugh 08 (Mar 12 - Sep 12)

[winston]

Marriage

Morty was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

[winston]

Three old timers chatting at restaurant

They sat down at a table while waiting to be served.

One of them said; Hay Jake! Isn’t this your 50th anniversary?

Jake replies! Yep.

Well, the old timer asked, what are you planning on doing?

Jake replies, well! I remember taking my wife to Arizona on our 25th anniversary.

The other old timer asked, Oh ya, so what are your plans for your 50th anniversary?

Jake replies, I’m going back to pick her up!

[winston]

Foreign Language

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them.

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby.

"Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

[winston]

Test

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.

“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.

“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.

So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”

[winston]

Hearing

While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing.

The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?’

Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds."

Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.

About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?”

The man says "yes". "How close did you get before she answered?"

"Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said "For the FIFTH TIME... WHAT???"

[winston]

Chris

Chris had just turned 16, had long hairand look like Joe Dirt.

He went to his dad and asked: "Dad it is my 16th birthday! I would like you to by me a car for my birthday.”

So his dad replied, "Son, I will buy you any car that you want, as long as you raise your grades AND cut your hair."

Chris said ok. The next week, Chris brought home a report card he had raised all his grades from c's and d's to all a's.

His father was very happy! Now Chris was so excited he told his dad what car he wanted a, convertible mustang (red).

His dad said, "Chris you haven't cut your hair."

Chris replied, "Well Jesus had long hair."

His dad said, "yeah, and Jesus walked everywhere he went!"

[winston]

Mother's Milk

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.

The last question was, 'Name 7 advantages of Mother's Milk'.

This final question was worth 70 points - all seven parts had to be answered correctly or 70 points would be lost with consequent failure.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck - what was the 7th advantage. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers....and the cat can't get to it.

He got an A.

[winston]

Dog

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed.

"That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied.

"I've beaten him three games out of five."

[winston]

Boating

A father and son went deep-sea fishing.

Out at sea, the father sees his son drilling a hole in the boat, when asked what he was doing, the son replied, "there's water coming into the boat, so I made a another hole for it to escape."

[winston]

Lawyer

An elderly man, 82, just returned from the doctors only to find he didn't have long to live.

So he summoned the three most important people in his life to tell them of his fate:
1. His Doctor
2. His Priest
3. His Lawyer.

He said, "Well, today I found out I don't have long to live. So, I have summoned you three here, because you are the most important people in my life, and I need to ask a favor.

Today, I am going to give each of you an envelope with $50,000 dollars inside. When I die, I would ask that all three of you throw the money into my grave."

After the man passed on, the three people happened to run into each other.

The doctor said, "I have to admit I kept $10,000 dollars of his money. He owed me from lots of medical bills. But, I threw the other $40,000 in like he requested.

"The Priest said, "I have to admit also, I kept $25,000 dollars for the church. It’s all going to a good cause. I did, however, throw the other $25,000 in the grave."

Well the Lawyer just couldn't believe what he was hearing! "I am surprised at you two for taking advantage of him like that. I wrote a check for the full amount and threw it all in!!!"