Smile & Laugh 03 (Apr 09 - Oct 09)

[Aspellian]

The Crazy Ah Beng


Why did Kok Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed !

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Kok Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Kok Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Kok Beng : "Give me a green one, please."

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Kok Beng is filling up an application form for a job. He supplied  the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc. Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question.
After much thought, he writes "Yes"

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Kok Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Kok Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Kok Beng : "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Kok Beng : "I'll buy it"

The next day, Kok Beng goes to work with his thermos flask

Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Kok Beng : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do ?"
Kok Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it !?"
Kok Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

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After taking photocopies of documents, Kok Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

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Kok Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.

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Why can't Kok Beng dial 911?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

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Kok Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it. When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.

Kok Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me ?!"

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Kok Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear"
"Oh dear !" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But ...... what happened to the other ear ?"
Kok Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back !!!!"

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Kok Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Kok Beng: "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei AND LAS VEGAS ?"
Operator: "JUST A MINUTE..."
Kok Beng : "THANK YOU " AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE."

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After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime, Kok Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Kok Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL." Kok Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS."
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At a bar in New York , the man to Kok Beng's left tells the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE" and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
The bartender approaches Kok Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"
Kok Beng replies : "Tan Kok Beng, MARRIED"

[Cherry]

Hi Aspellian

Ah Beng never fail to give us the

[Cherry]

Lying is a Sin

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.
To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.
He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said,

"Mark has only sixteen chapters.

I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[Aspellian]

Some Jokes to kickstart the day!

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!


Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...


New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

Why is $ex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...


Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed > to death.


Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.


Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOWTIME!


Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later


Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!


My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

[Cherry]

Hi Aspellian

So many jokes to

Thanks.

[Cherry]

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.

As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the county.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why? I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."

"Wow!" said the one dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."

The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"



Fig Leaf Found

A little boy opened the large, old, family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.

He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago.

"Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.

"What do you have there?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered,

"I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[Cherry]

Bowling


http://ak.imgag.com/imgag/product/full/ ... aphic1.swf

[Poles]

Potong....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKcHEJJ9 ... dded#t=338

[winston]

by Aspellian in the Chartered Semicon thread:-

Can anyone beat the above stock!! At least the dream of "half-liar" has ended. it must be an emotional ride for many who believed one day that "half-liar" will rebound back to its glorious days.

A story

A visionary man came to a village and convinced the village heads and promise great wealth to all who invest in his great visions. He plans is to revolutionise the kampung life by building a space-ship that can open a new trade route by shipping corns and rice to habitats in Planet CON because there are no corn or paddy fields there...

This high-tech venture will create employment for all in the village end all poverty and make them the richest village in the planet. The village heads decide to pour all their resources together. They trade in their pigs, cows etc... they started to build and build... but there's alot of obstacles, they continue to pour in more money as they already have all their pigs and cows equivalent invested.

The visionary man assured them that they are on the brink of a technology breakthrough. . . and just needed that bit more of capital to finance the space-ship... the village heads borrowed from other villages and heavily in debt... they have to continue on and finance the project. they even mortgage their farmland to the banks...and incurred heavy debts.

One day, the visionary man disappeared and never to reappear. The villagers' dreams are broken. The villagers cannot finance the interest expense and the banks demand payment and threaten to take away their farmlands and destroy their very livelihoods.

But an alien tribe came from outer space and offered to redeemed their debts but in return, all the land are to be given to the stranger. But the land are worth so much more than the debts and half-completed space-ships. But the villagers are desperate. The stranger promised that the villagers will continue to be employed in the farmland and harvest the corn and rice.

Later on the villagers realised that the alien tribe is from planet CON. The aliens continue on the space-ship programe and completed the ship. Every harvest of corn and rice and now shipped to planet CON. The villagers are now employees instead of owners.

At least half of hte the visionary man's vision came true. The villagers are finally supplying corn and rice to planet CON. But they are worst off than before.

The aliens often speak highly of the visionary man and honored him by giving him a title - SEMI-CON. It literally translates to "half-liar".

[kennynah]

thanks asp for the above....

remember.... one man can CON a village...one dictatorial and perpetual and junta-like gahmen can CON the entire country for generations...