Smile & Laugh 08 (Mar 12 - Sep 12)

[winston]

Zoo

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo.

As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.

They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla, so people will keep coming to the zoo.

Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.

The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up.

This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage!

As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

[winston]

Lights

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

He sends a signal: “Change your course 10 degree east.”

The light signals back: “Change yours, 10 degrees west.”

Angry, the captain sends: “I’m a navy captain! Change your course, sir!”

“I’m a seaman, second class,” comes the reply. “Change your course, sir.”

Now the captain is furious. “I’m a battleship! I’m not changing course!”

There is one last reply. “I’m a lighthouse. Your call.”

[winston]

Signs

1. In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

2. In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

3. On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

4. On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

5. At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

6. On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."

[winston]

continue ...

7. On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

8. On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

9. At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

10. Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

11. On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

12. In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

[winston]

continue ...

13. In a Beauty Shop, "Dye now!"

14. On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes, to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)

15. In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

16. Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

17. In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."



- Peggy Wallace

[winston]

Pinata

The two inventors of the bungee rope went to Spain to test their invention.

They built a 50-foot tower and, once completed, one of the guys stood on the edge of the platform and dove into the air with the rope tied to his feet.

The other guy, standing up on the platform, waited until his friend returned up so that he could grab him.

The first time his friend sprung up, he tried to grab him but missed and noticed that his head was swollen.

The next time, he missed again and again there was a bruise on his head and face.

This time, with much concern, he dove forward to get his partner, pulled him in and asked, "What happened? Is the cord too long?"

His partner replied with his face all bloody, "What is piñata?"

[winston]

Five Doctors

Five doctors went to on a duck hunt: a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon, and a pathologist.

After a while a bird came winging overhead, the GP raised his shogun but didn’t shoot because he wasn’t sure if it was a duck or not.

The pediatrician also raised his gun, but then he wasn’t sure if it was a male or female duck, so he didn’t shoot.

The psychiatrist raised his gun and then thought, I know that’s a duck, but does the duck know it’s a duck?”

The surgeon was the only one who shot.

Boom!! He blew it away. Then he turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

[winston]

Body

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.

The operator asked him where he was and the man replied, “I’m on Sycamore Drive.”

“How do you spell that?” the operator asked.

“S-i-c-k…” the man began. “No, s-i-c-a…..” no, s-i-k-a…. oh heck, let me drag him over to Lake street and I’ll call you back.”

[winston]

Stand In Line

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private.

"I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die, so you can come and spit on my grave."

"Not me, Serge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

[winston]

Truth

Two classmates were chatting in their lunch break...

"I know how to get money real quick" says one,”

"how?"

"go to your dad and say, "I know the truth" and he'll give you money"

So the young boy went home and said "dad, I know the truth" and his dad gave him ten dollars and told him not to tell anyone 'the truth'.

He then went to his mother, " Mom, I know the truth” he said.

"Please don't tell your dad" she said and gave him twenty dollars.

Content with thirty dollars he went outside to go to the arcade and saw the milkman. "I know the truth,” he shouted out.

The milkman replied "Well come and hug your real father then"