Smile & Laugh 10 (May 13 - Aug 15)

[winston]

Turbulence

An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side.

The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm.

The attendant asked a business man “Would you like a drink?

“Why not?” he replied unkindly “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been having.

[winston]

Loan

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says.

The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says.

The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

[winston]

Police Jokes

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer,

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

The driver thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smart butt when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

[winston]

Saudi Prince

A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar check saying:"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too”!

[winston]

Robbery

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.

He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?

The man said yes! The robber shot him.

Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face?

She said no, but my husband over there did.

[winston]

Doctor

This guy goes into a doctor's office.

The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?"

The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first."

"Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.

The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"

The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

[winston]

Flat Tire

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes.

After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said:

"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

[winston]

A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane......

The lady said to him ' Can you help me remove something from my breast please?

‘The exciting young man replied, 'Wow! It will be my pleasure.......

So what is it?'

"Your Eyes, idiot!"

[winston]

Keyboard

Q: What did the keyboard say to the typist?

A: You’re really pushing my buttons!

[winston]

Singer

An Idiot was eating in a restaurant and suddenly, he started singing aloud to the pleasure of the other customers.

After eating, he stood up to go without paying for his meal. "You haven't paid for your meal" said a waitress to him to which he replied "what do you make of my entertainment then?"

Getting annoyed, the waitress replied, “no one asked you to entertain anyone," to which the Idiot replied "no one asked me to come and eat here either."