Smile & Laugh 10 (May 13 - Aug 15)

[winston]

Mule

This farmer had a wife who nagged him all the time.

One day while he was outside plowing the field, she came out and started nagging him.

While she was doing this, the mule kicked her and she died.

At the funeral, the ladies came up and talked to the farmer. The farmer nodded his head "yes".

The men came up and talked to him and the farmer nodded his head "no”.

Well this other man wondered why he nodded his head "yes" to the ladies and "no" to the men. Then, he went up to the farmer and asked him why.

The farmer replied,” Well, when the ladies came up, they told me how pretty my wife's dress was and how pretty she looked. When the men came up, they asked,’ That mule for sale?'

[winston]

Pilot

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies.

So, this was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.

Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where?"

[winston]

Q. What do you call a bug with manners?

A. A lady bug

[winston]

Q: Do politicians ever lie?

A: What do you think they get paid for?

[winston]

Driving

Two drunken men were driving home.

The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall, watch out for the waaaaall! Baaaaam! They hit the wall.

The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend: - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to watch out, why didn't you?

Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!

[winston]

Religion

In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear.

In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.

The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.

Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some religion!"

The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused.

Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you God, for the food I'm about to receive..."

[winston]

Jigsaw Puzzle

Two drunks were in a bar partying like fools.

They were drinking boiler makers, buying rounds like there was no tomorrow.

They were dancing, calling each other "professor," and generally causing quite a stir.

When asked why such a celebration, they boasted that they just finished a jigsaw puzzle & it only took them 2 months!

"TWO MONTHS?!" cried the bartender. "That's ridiculous. It shouldn't take that long!!"

"Oh yeah?" says one drunk. "The box said 2-4 YEARS!"

[winston]

Genie

There were 3 friends stranded in an island.

Exploring the island, the 3 men found a bottle so they opened it.

A genie came out, and she said that she would grant them 3 wishes.

The first man said, "I wish I was with my family" then poof he was with his family.

The second guy said "I wish I was in a bar with my friends" then poof he was gone.

The third guy was feeling bad and the genie asked, "What's wrong?"

The man said, I'm lonely I wish my friends were here. Poof, his two friends were back in the island.

[winston]

An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.

“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”

“That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.”

“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.

“Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

[winston]

TV

They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart.

“How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you’ve never even met?” he demanded.

“The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you’ve never met scores a touchdown,” she replied.